Challenge of the PUDGY TITANS!

252

2010-11-15T09:40:00.005-06:00

This blog was a great idea and I've really gotten some mileage out of it -- but what makes Loseit.com so much more effective is that it gives you feedback. It tells you when you're screwing up and perhaps more importantly when you're on the right track.

And I'm not just saying this because I've lost 13 pounds since starting on it.

I'm starting to think that when it comes to breaking habits and really forcing change on myself, I have to find ways to kind of obsess over it. Lose It (at least so far) offers me a lot of different angles to approach things -- so as a result (added to the fact that I have my son a lot more lately [don't ask] and therefore can't focus on other things so much) I've gotten pretty into learning as much as I can about it.

I'm also making big changes on what I eat, and how I think about eating. Slow progress on that sort of mindset change -- but at least the pounds are dropping.

265

2010-10-30T08:39:00.006-05:00

I don't understand my body.

A recently as Monday I was pushing 270. I was depressed, frustrated with my lack of progress and positive motivation. The whole "inability to afford the direct assistance from a trainer" thing was a much more crushing blow than I had expected -- and combined with other things going on in my world put me in a place where reuben sandwiches and take out pizza seemed like my best comfort.

But then something interesting happened -- one of my coworkers started to disappear.

A while back this guy had come to me and started talking up this meal plan his brother was on -- one that had helped said brother to lose over 100 pounds.

I suppose I should have listened, especially given the results the brother was getting -- but I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who's been approached with suggestions of ways to lose weight -- which I'm sure are given with good intentions, but frequently feel like people are saying, "Hey, you're fat -- you'll be interested in this."

Meal plan diets have been around for a while, and they seem to be pretty effective -- but like so many of the other things I've tried to get involved with lately the cost of the thing was a problem.

I couldn't afford to help myself. It felt like a money scam, and I had no proof it was actually effective (how did I know the brother wasn't a workout fiend or had a dormant high metabolism?). So I let it go.

But then the coworker began to radically lose weight. His head literally looked smaller. This was a big guy, and shit was working for him.

So I asked for deeper details -- the cost is still high, but the basic idea was the same. Limit calorie intake (pretty radically -- only 1100 calories allowed a day) and balance this change out with vitamin and mineral supplements. Meals were sent to you in the mail to prepare, and someone called every week to check progress and lend assistance. Sounds pretty cool, if you can pay for it.

Still, the idea seemed pretty solid. Limit calories to a specific number.

Add this to my friend James getting me hooked up with Loseit.com (despite a few problems getting the smartphone app to work) and I'm off.

Tracking calories with the site is easy enough, and it's led to some interesting revelations (soup = good, steak n' shake = beyond horrible for me) -- but four days of tracking numbers and eating more soup should in no way had led to almost 6 pounds of weight lost.

I'll take the number, but I have no idea where it came from.

257 (and a dollar will get you a cup of coffee)

2010-10-18T08:59:00.012-05:00

I haven't really posted anything here since before I went for my tour/visit with the trainer -- although I have been doing a weekly email weigh-in with a friend, sort of a "where are you at?" type thing that's set on keeping you honest, even if it's only for the possibility of having someone you trust play straight with you, furrow their virtual brow, and kick you in the ass if you decide to slack.

I think in a sense that's what I wanted when I went to the trainer. I can admit now that even before I set the appointment I was pretty sure I couldn't afford it, but "personal training" is one of the few avenues to this goal that I haven't ever tried -- largely because of the cost, and I think in my mind because I'd never had a chance at it I was starting to think of it as some sort of "magic bullet."

In other words, the only path I hadn't really tried yet (short of surgery or finding a magic lamp) is having some skinny person standing next to me encouraging me, correcting me, keeping at me, and furrowing their brow and kicking me in the ass when I try to slack.

So even though I can fully attest that the Jacksonville HIT Center is full of cool gadgets and alternate workout tools (the impression I get is that it's a program built off professional sports cross-training techniques) -- like huge boat mooring ropes you're supposed to whip around for a full-body workout, sand pits, trapeze wires that suspend you from the wall, speed skating simulators, huge tank-tread sized treadmills that you tethered yourself to with a rope so that as it moved forward for your feet it actually pulled backwards on you to increase resistance, full body scanners and diagnostic equipment, yada yada yada --

The real reason I went was to see what it would be like to have a trainer.

I mean when you think about it, even though the equipment in the place is sort of non-traditional, if there was no one there telling you what to do or checking your form -- it wouldn't really be any different from a regular gym, where there's all sorts of tools and machines available -- but only your own personal sense of motivation and understanding to get any use out of them at all.

Most gyms just throw you out to the wolves. I specifically quit the last place I paid a membership too because it became apparent to me about a month in that all the fat people were on one side of the place huffing away pointlessly on treadmills, while all the fit people were on the other side using equipment that my "one free session with a trainer" person had never, ever shown me how to use.

Put me in a sandpit or load me down with boat ropes without any help at all and I'm pretty sure I'd get nowhere fast (which is pretty much how I tend to feel with most nautilus machines and the like). What I really wanted was that skinny bitch in the $300 Reeboks who looks like she's never even seen a chili dog in her life telling me exactly why fucking around with ropes was helpful in the first place and how to do the exercise correctly.

The girl who gave me the tour/sales pitch seemed nice enough, but the more I saw (the place is 3 times bigger than it looks from the outside) the more I knew the inevitable truth, which came almost instantly the moment she opened the pricing book.

To take part in this program would cost more a month that I'm currently paying in rent.

It was crushing. Even though I expected sticker shock, what I wasn't expecting was to see the place literally full of people, many of them kids and teenagers -- and then have it made clear that I couldn't afford to be one of them. That this sort of dedicated "guaranteed to work" system was simply not for people like me.

I went in there thinking I'd confirm that the whole thing was a luxury that might be nice to have, but was just out of my reach, especially with the holidays coming around the corner.

What I got was a room full of people confirming beyond a doubt that I was poor.

And I know that when you get down to it all you need is a pair of running shoes and a belly full of fire. I know that all you really need is the right sort of motivation, and you can turn anything into an effective workout. I know that I can get exercise equipment cheap and used, I can go to the gym at my apartment, all that stuff.

That's not the point.
..That's not the point at all.

It was this feeling I got from the look in the trainer/salesgirl's eyes that made me feel like I was the first person she'd ever met who didn't simply reach into their wallet and say "Well hell if it's that cheap, maybe I should get the bonus plan too."

Who has this kind of money to throw on a gym membership/training package?

..Not me, that's who.

It was a moment that passed pretty quickly (it's not like I don't already know that I'm living check to check) but it's one of those slap in the face type feelings you don't expect, especially when you walk into a place looking for help.

About an hour after all that -- I stopped at a store near my house and bought a $7 jump rope.

..Still haven't used it yet.

258

2010-10-07T08:25:00.004-05:00

Sometime this week I'm going to meet with a trainer and tour this highly-touted fitness center here in town. When I went in last week, all I wanted was a price list -- but they wouldn't give me one without taking the tour first (which means it's probably too expensive anyways).

I've been in a money crunch lately, so I'm not even really sure why I'm following through with this -- because unless it's like five bucks a month it's probably not gonna happen, so it's sort of a weird thing all over.

I've been trying to eat better, but work's been insane lately and between the skipped lunches and the stress I've been coming home and just binging on anything I can find. Not a good pattern.

The good news (if you can call it that) is that I'm still pretty much in the same range I've been in for a while, which is nowhere near where I want to be -- but considering all the fast food I had yesterday, its pretty much a win.

In other words -- If I had a sister, this is the part where I'd be kissing her.

258

2010-09-24T07:54:00.000-05:00

Birthday weeks suck.

They didn't used to.. but they sure do now.

256

2010-08-27T11:48:00.002-05:00

See, THIS is how you run a weight loss blog.

During the time when depression and frustration and apathy start to stack up on you and you suddenly realize that you're no longer occasionally victimized by water weight gain when you sometimes cross the 260 line, but that somewhere along the line you're actually backsliding and you start seeing consistent 270's on the scale -- DON'T BLOG THEM.

Instead, wait a few weeks, start watching your eating a little bit and drink more water, then when the number on the scale starts to look more like your normal averages, then you can write it down.

Except this time I've really got to figure this out, because it's getting worse.

It might sound like a cop-out, but now that I've gotten this whole mess with my son's schooling cleared out, my next big obstacle is figuring out what the hell to do about losing some weight.

I've been sort of quietly weighing my options between trying P90X again or actually paying a trainer to sit on my ass two or three times a week. One's really expensive and might not be sustainable, and the other one is something I failed at before but has been endorsed by a bunch of people I know.

Either way I need to get on this. I'm tired of feeling and looking this way.

255

2010-07-06T08:03:00.001-05:00

Got a letter from the doctor who told me to lose 50 pounds. I'm pretty much pretending I didn't get it -- because I've lost nowhere near that. I think if I can put him off a bit I might be able to get a little more progress in.

Last thing I need is that a-hole yelling at me again.

255

2010-06-18T08:40:00.003-05:00

None of this makes any sense whatsoever.

I don't know if my altered eating habits are having an effect or if I just stood on the scale wrong this morning, but I'm suddenly losing weight like crazy.

Not that 255 is any sort of huge achievement, but just a week or so back I was like 267 -- so this is actually a great number to see staring back at me.

258

2010-06-16T09:53:00.002-05:00

Well, this is certainly better than some of the numbers I've been seeing lately -- but it's still not really any sort of progress that's worth shouting about. This whole process is a huge headslap, and it just gets tiring after a while.

Things to do. Pounds to lose.

*sigh*

263

2010-06-14T11:28:00.002-05:00

Who gains weight after a bought with food poisoning? Seriously, what the fuck?

257

2010-06-09T11:29:00.006-05:00

Well that's just great.

Three days now of swimming laps. Nothing insane, just 4-5 high-intensity back and forths in the apartment pool, the result of which (thus far) has been a huge endorphin kick and my heart pounding from the full-body effort so much that recovery is as much effort as the work -- and now I'm reading that leading researchers pretty much agree that swimming doesn't do much of anything as a weight loss tool.

It's fun. It's kicking my ass, I feel great when I get out of the water -- yet it's doing nothing for me?

Not cool.

I'm not sure this news is going to make me stop. I really like the way I feel after this workout, and I don't see how a full-body exertion like this could be bad for me. Sure it might not give me washboard abs tomorrow, but it's the first thing I've wanted to stick to in a long time.

Friggin' scientists ruining my fun.

258

2010-06-08T11:09:00.004-05:00

Haven't posted in a while. Things have been back and forth. But here's the important stuff:

A doctor told me I had to lose 50 pounds or my risk of stroke or heart disease will triple.
Then he said, "come see me again in 4 months"
50 pounds
4 Months

Honestly, when I first heard the number I thought he was joking. It's just a ridiculous thought. And that, coupled with some other problems got me eating. There was a 260-something I didn't post a week ago, because I was just ashamed and embarrassed about it.

But I've been back in the gym again lately, working on controlling my caloric intake, the whole nine yards all over again. But then yesterday I was running late to this and that -- and almost bailed on working out altogether -- when a realization hit me that I can't really understand why I hadn't thought of before..

There's a pool at my apartment.

I mean, I know it's there -- I've swam in it many times with my son. But never had I considered it an exercise option.

But last night, pressed for time and with the sun starting to set, I got in there and did a bunch of laps. I was heaving breath and my legs were tight when I got out, but I was also feeling charged and great.

Can I do that every day? Probably not -- but it's an exciting new option that I'm gonna keep up with for a while, especially while the weather's nice.

My weight doesn't seem to be changing that much, but my options are a little more open, and that can't be a bad thing -- you know?

255

2010-05-06T08:37:00.005-05:00

This whole issue of losing all this weight all at once has been really stressing me out. Plus I still apparently don't really understand how this whole thing works -- because despite doing basically nothing for the last week or so AND going out last night for a couple of cocktails, a heaping plate of seafood paella, and conversations with a pretty girl I've somehow lost five pounds.

Seriously, what the hell?

260

2010-05-03T12:14:00.004-05:00

I've always wanted to get my health back in range for personal reasons. To feel better. To keep up with my kid. To be more attractive to the opposite sex. To better match the self-image I carry with myself, and finally be rid of this dysmorphia that enables me to mentally feel like this:

Even though I look like this:

I swear, when my mood is good and things are working for me, it's like I forget that I'm not the way I'd like to be. Like I'll catch myself in the mirror and wonder who that guy is.

But now I've had a doctor, an actual medical professional tell me that I have to lose 50 pounds or my risk for stroke and/or heart disease will triple.

50 pounds.

It's a daunting number. It seems like an impossible task. It's a professional confirmation of the thing I'm sometimes able to forget or glaze over about myself.

I have no idea how I'm going to accomplish it.

I've been looking into detox diets. Cleanses. But right now with all that's going on I'm not so sure I trust myself when it comes to fasting. I doubt I could stick to it. And even if I did -- would I stick to a changed lifestyle? Am I not going to drink or eat emotionally?

Doubtful.

Right now I'm angry. Alone. Unsure. I know there are things I need to do, but frankly right now I could give a fuck. I feel hideous, for more reasons than just bad habits or health concerns.

..50 pounds.

259

2010-04-26T09:45:00.005-05:00

My Doctor's going to yell at me tomorrow.

Been eating at odd hours, drinking a lot, not really doing anything to balance it on the exercise side of things. Even if I come in with the best attitude and clothes that hang in a flattering way, the lab results will rat me out.

I fully imagine the doc looking at the numbers on the sheet for a minute, then turning to me and saying something like, "Sorry to hear about your relationship troubles."

I know I need to make changes, but all I feel like doing lately is blowing things up.

Mostly myself, it seems

253

2010-02-01T13:47:00.001-06:00

My main workout thing right now is walking the dog. We actually do about 5 miles when we have the time. It's tough though, because on the weeks I have my son it's harder to find the time (about an hour or so) to get that in.

Still, it seems to be helping.

Blood pressure's way down too.

260

2010-01-21T13:15:00.003-06:00

Aaand we're back.

Skipped the hypnotist, but downloaded a few apps for my phone to try to hit this from another angle. We'll see how counting calories and GPS tracking my jogs works this time around.

Because whatever I was doing last week clearly wasn't enough.

253

2010-01-18T09:19:00.002-06:00

Walking the dog, eating more soup than anything else, a change in medication from the doc -- all seem to be doing more than I expected. We'll see if this holds up, I had wings and pizza while watching Sunday's games, and spent most of the day feeling blue for no good reason -- which usually sparks more eating and bad numbers, but it's still nice to see a little jump in the right direction.

ps - Heard the hypnotist ad again. Kinda considered it. smdh.

253

2010-01-16T09:23:00.001-06:00

Weighed myself right after a long dog walk. Wonder if that had anything to do with this number.

258

2010-01-15T08:37:00.003-06:00

Well, here's some progress..

The way I figure it, if I can keep this one pound a day rate going, I should hit my target weight in exactly 38 days.

Yeah, right.

In other wacky news I heard the hypnotist ad on the radio again -- and I have to admit I still can't shake the idea that if it were to somehow unbelievably work it would be the coolest thing ever.

259

2010-01-14T08:37:00.005-06:00

Workouts haven't been terribly regular, but the diet is mostly changing. Careful control of portions and a dedicated effort to add bland-tasting ingredients to everything.

And as the number says, there's been an effect.

My blood pressure doesn't seem to be changing too much, but I'm so far convinced that will take a little more time to get on track.

I am proud of one thing though -- over the past few weeks I was hearing radio ads for a hypnotist who could radically help weight loss efforts. At first I was like "oh, this is bullshit." but then as the weeks went on and my frustration with all this was palpable -- the idea started to seem like it might be a lark, and if it worked and I lost some weight then it would be a bonus, right?

Next thing you know there was a few days where it seemed like an idea worth trying, then a short period where I was really looking forward to this as a solution to my problems, followed yesterday (thankfully) by a return to sanity where it again sounded like bullshit -- and now I'm sorta laughing at myself for even considering it.

I wish it would work. But thankfully I realize that there's just no way.

Which sorta sucks.

260

2010-01-04T09:01:00.004-06:00

It's been forever since I've posted here -- mainly because it's been a while since I cared about losing weight enough to want to analyze my results (or lack thereof). Not that I was happy about the state my body was in, but that I was tired of the fight -- of the lack of progress, the work without results, the food I didn't like, and all the rest.

I still don't love working out all that much, and despite the fact that I made a killer salmon dinner for myself the other night -- the majority of the food I should be eating still isn't very appealing to me taste-wise, the simple fact is that a doctor looked me in the eye and said, "It's hypertension. Lose the weight and you'll be fine. Don't and you're headed down a much shorter road."

At the same time, I think once and for all I need to take control of a lot of things in my life that I've let sorta "go the way of the fates" for a long time. What I mean is, even though I've done diets and working out before, I always sort of knew it would be a struggle, that my body had reached a point where it wanted to be a certain way -- so if my efforts didn't pay off at least I tried, but I guess the fates wanted it this way.

Which is bullshit.

So I'm back at it. And I need the work. Back when I was fighting this every day -- the thought of 260 was horrifying. Now it's a nice surprise, since I'm down a few pounds from Friday.

But it's still not enough.
I want to lose like 30-40 pounds, which I've never been able to accomplish before.

I've been back in the gym the past two days, been walking the new puppy a few times a day, and am trying to watch the diet (*sigh*) ..again. I have a much more real motivation now, but it doesn't mean all this crap will actually start working now. It's just a matter of willpower, really. Of not hitting that wall and just shrugging my shoulders like some effort is better than nothing at all.

Honestly, I feel like my weight troubles are a big part so many of the things I have been in danger of losing lately. And that's not acceptable. Not at all. So this time I not only want it to work, but I need it to.

So lets do this.

256

2009-10-16T10:35:00.006-05:00

Odd thought that's been bouncing around my head all morning:

If I paid for hair replacement on my bald spot, people would probably giggle and point behind my back.
But if I got liposuction done, I bet they'd all say "Good for you."

255

2009-10-14T09:01:00.005-05:00

This particular number doesn't really tell the story, because more than just being on the bad side of my own weight spectrum lately, I just feel horrendously fat. It's different from those times where you reach a certain unfortunate comfort level with your size (whatever it may be), because lately I'm just more aware of it. Can't stop thinking about it.

As a result, I've been having some pretty crazy thoughts lately.

Colonics. Liposuction. Body Wraps. Something to kick start me off. Essentially the lottery tickets of the weight loss world.

But honestly, there's a point where it sounds like the only real answer.

To tell you the truth, I'm starting to feel like I'll never escape 250. Seriously, even if I can get dedicated with my workouts and curb my diet in a good direction, I feel like I'm forever doomed to be this size.

So why not just fork out huge money and have it sucked out? Why not get a 30 or 40-pound head start? Wouldn't my workouts be more effective if I wasn't fat to start with? Wouldn't I do better if I was without all this junk inside me?

Not that I could probably afford it anyways, but lately the question "How much would lipo really cost?" has really been bouncing around in my head.

Probably not a healthy train of thought to be on, but I'm on it nonetheless.
Have to see where this goes..

250

2009-09-16T09:20:00.002-05:00

Trickery. Prestidigitation. Deception.

You know that feeling you get when you've been working out hard for a few weeks, really sweating and watching your meals and then you get on the scale and nothing's different?

I feel like I'm sort of the mirror-image of that. I've been ..off lately. Not working out. Eating a lot of take out, snacking late at night, skipping meals. So while the number on the scale is a relief of sorts, I know it's sort of a lie. Like in the next few weeks the effects of this recent bout of blues will manifest themselves.

The other problem I'm having is one of acceptance standards. 250 used to be a really bad number. 250 was a reason to get mad. Then I let things get a little out of control, and 250 became sort of a "I'm getting back on track" benchmark number. A water cup station in the middle of a long race, letting you know you're making progress -- but you've still got a ways to go.

Now 250 is sort of a good number. 250 is a relief.

Not a good thing. Gotta work on it.

250

2009-09-01T11:30:00.004-05:00

Haven't been working out, and last night's dinner was mostly potato chips. The good news is that I'm down almost 10 pounds from where I was a few weeks ago after a particularly bad binge eating period, but because I'm essentially down to like 2 meals a day (complications resulting from having to pick my kid up from school early and then take him back to work with me, which is it's own mess that I'm probably gonna catch hell for pretty soon from my bosses), and I've been eating out/fast fooding it too much lately -- I'm sorta surprised at this number.

I'm down lately. Lonely, largely uninspired -- hitting this mess of fall blahs as my birthday unavoidable approaches and things off in the distance seem unsure for whatever reason.

I need to get focused, or even just find a spark of inspiration to get addicted to.

Just haven't been able to uncover it yet..

251

2009-08-13T10:12:00.002-05:00

Earlier this week the scale threw a 257 at me. I was floored and saddened, but it was impossible to escape the fact that I've not been working out, not been careful about my eating, not really caring as much. Early on it was part of a vacation, a reconnection, a celebration of flavors and passion and connection and unity and all, and then days later it was mourning a greyhound bus pulling away and the once again end of that feeling.

And yet, from closing in on 240 to back pushing 260. It hurt.

I've worked back a bit since then, which this number thankfully attests to.

254

2009-08-10T08:57:00.003-05:00

There are three things I've dedicated myself to doing in the next 6 months -- with hopes that this extra dedication will yield results and get me in the habit of not losing touch with any of them on a regular basis:

Write every day.
Perform at least one song a week on Guitar.
Work out and finally lose the weight.

So far I'm on good track with two of these, but seeing this morning's numbers on the scale -- and knowing exactly the kind of junk food and laziness that led directly to it happening means I've still got a lot of work to do.

250

2009-08-03T08:43:00.003-05:00

For the last 10 days, I was on vacation. As such, junk food was a priority. Pizza, wings, booze, chinese food, and more.

As such, the fact that I'm somehow holding at 250 is a huge surprise.

I'm looking to get back on the horse this week (among other things) -- so hopefully progress will follow.

Fingers crossed, yo.

249

2009-07-13T08:15:00.001-05:00

Busied myself with all sorts of other things this weekend, but still found/made time for short workouts. Want to hit the weight room this week. We'll see what happens.

250

2009-07-10T08:54:00.004-05:00

Sporadic workouts. Life stress. Pizza. Life changes. Booze. Anger, hurt, loss. More booze. Eating angry. Workouts seem pointless when you feel like you're just sliding back into the place you've worked so hard to crawl back out of since you freed yourself from the people that held you down, held you back.

And yet, this morning I did 25 minutes with EA active. Makes no sense.
But then again, what really does?

251

2009-07-06T08:30:00.002-05:00

Didn't work out over the weekend. Ate a lot of pizza. Personal drama, weekend ennui, and whatever made a bad cocktail. I have to figure out a way for exercise and eating right not to be the part of my day I have to struggle to make happen. It should be a part of my routine -- it just isn't yet.

249

2009-07-02T08:28:00.002-05:00

Worked out twice yesterday. Once in the morning, then started EA Active's 30 day challenge last night. Legs are feeling it, but hopefully the results will follow.

251

2009-06-30T09:18:00.002-05:00

Pulled off the rare trifecta -- missing lunch yesterday, going out all night, drinking a shitload of beer, wolfing down fast food somewhere around 11pm and then going to a few more places, drinking a whole bunch more beer and doing shots of some sort of Wild Turkey whiskey called "American Honey" -- followed by hard sleep, waking up rough, and then charging through a 30 minute full-body workout and then running off to work.

How I'm still awake and lucid at this point is a complete mystery.

But I put off working out for much longer than I should have all weekend, so the fact that I found a way (granted, an insane way) to get it in makes me feel a little better.

246

2009-06-26T10:46:00.004-05:00

Haven't done a lot of working out this week, but I did attend a seriously awesome concert by Skindred at a tiny hole in the wall club here in Jacksonville earlier in the week.

It was almost identical to a really good workout, except that instead of an energy drink I had a bunch of whiskey, and instead of doing high reps on a weight machine I slamdanced and then bounced around for the better part of an hour while periodically singing along at the top of my lungs.

I came out of it drenched in sweat, popping with endorphins, and feeling it in every muscle.

Three times a week of that kind of action and I'd be set.

250

2009-06-23T08:50:00.003-05:00

Purchased EA Active over the weekend -- their new "personal trainer" program. Gave it a try, and got a hell of a workout for 20 minutes. The interesting thing about it (so far) is that the exercises are largely the same sort of total body interval moves that the Turbulence Training guy who's book I read a while back.

I need to start the 30-day challenge feature, and the website has lots of pages to check out as well, but it gives me an at-home workout option I really didn't have before. The trick now (as always) is sticking with it.

245

2009-06-17T07:44:00.003-05:00

I blinked when I saw this. Then I weighed myself a few more times to be sure. It's really not that big of a deal.. but it's a pretty big deal.

249

2009-06-16T08:35:00.003-05:00

Been trying different things, edging towards re-establishing a gym regimen, and swimming when I can. But on the flip side, I've been missing meals and sometimes eating things I probably shouldn't.

The Yo continues to Yo.

246

2009-05-01T08:18:00.001-05:00

This was a surprise. But there's not a 5 anywhere in it, so it's getting posted.

252

2009-04-27T08:17:00.003-05:00

The thing I've discovered in terms of my own effort to lose weight that the one thing that seems to trump everything else is consistency.

If I find a way maybe not to eat the exact same thing every day but more specifically to eat the same number of meals around the same time with essentially the same makeup to them, my body has to react to the change and get the metabolism motor running and make things happen.

Once I fool my gut into thinking there isn't an entire pizza or a late-night run on ramen noodles coming, then it gets off it's lazy ass and starts burning stored up fat.

The past month with the changes that have put my son in my life 24/7 followed by the decree that coffee can no longer be had at your desk at work, followed by being sucked into this full time project last week where not only was I not at my desk at all, but lunches were provided free as long as they were purchased at the work cafe (which is essentially a short order grill) essentially threw almost all of the recent progress I've made out the window.

Or to put it another way -- The Philly Cheesesteaks were good to eat, but they weren't very good to me.

Plus, emotionally I'm kinda shot lately. Despite the fact that I have a constant companion now that my son is living with me, I'm terribly lonely. My center has been kinda blown apart, I don't feel like my life is mine to guide right now, and I'm seethingly angry at the adult who I feel is at fault. If that weren't enough, all of this change has been jarring -- but in such a way that makes me feel selfish and guilty for being angry about it. All of which are topics for another place, but essentially make great supporting arguments when either deciding to skip meals randomly or binge on whatever isn't nailed down the first chance you get.

Anyways, end result -- not in the gym. Not much into the salad fixings. Not much into regular meals, or portion control. Not surprised that the graph is going back the wrong way again.

248

2009-04-17T12:49:00.002-05:00

I haven't been working out at all since the boy moved in. Perhaps if you can count Wii fitness, which shows my "fitness age" at 29 (pffft, I wish) I've been active, but seeing this number under 250 was honestly a surprise.

I was told recently that my scale "weighs heavy." That somehow it was reading 5-6 pounds heavier than one at a doctors office. I'm not sure what to make of that -- it's cheapo digital, so it can't really be calibrated -- but there's also a grand chance that the person who said all that didn't like their number and felt a need to fight back by calling my scale out.

Maybe I'll try to find another scale this weekend to compare with.

251

2009-04-10T11:11:00.003-05:00

I've been eating badly lately. Last night I had a bunch of Chinese food, and during the week I've found it a lot easier just to order something at McDonald's with my son rather than watch him eat and wait until I get home.

I love having him with me, but I still haven't figured out the "getting into the gym while he's here" angle yet.

So consequently, my weight's gone back up.

I did get a Wii, which gets your heart pumping more than you'd think. Especially that boxing game, and the tennis. Not sure the Wii Fit is worth it, but it's strange to be tired after a game like that.

My PS2's a lazy girlfriend. This Wii chick, she wants to go jogging or some crap like that.

Anyways, I'm gonna try to sneak into the gym this weekend. We'll see how it goes.

249

2009-04-06T08:59:00.002-05:00

Did some bad eating in the past few days, and with the life change of having my little boy now living with me full-time, getting into the gym has become kind of a trick. He can't really go in there with me, and even if I snuck him in -- I'm worried he'd mess around on the equipment and get hurt.

His mom had him for a short while Sunday, so I managed to get an hour in there -- but it's the first time I'd worked out in a week, so I'm honestly surprised this number isn't worse.

246

2009-03-31T08:36:00.003-05:00

I probably shouldn't be posting so often, but I think I'm over-enamoured with my own progress right now. The scale is in super-nice mode, but it's hard to take it seriously when you still can't see your own junk.

247

2009-03-30T07:51:00.000-05:00

Scales lie. But sometimes that's why we love them. I'm gonna try to cut down to weighing myself like twice a week, but this number seemed worth crowing about.

249

2009-03-26T08:31:00.000-05:00

I know you're not supposed to weigh yourself every day, and that scales aren't always reliable. I know that between water weight and whatever I might have for lunch this number doesn't really mean all that much -- but it's the first time I've been under 250 in more than a year, so I'm pretty damn excited about it.

250

2009-03-24T08:57:00.000-05:00

The yo-yo continues. Gym yesterday was only 30 minutes, but I went at it hard.

251

2009-03-23T08:26:00.000-05:00

Went to the gym Sunday, actually even worked out this morning (in addition to plans to go to the gym tonight). Spent more than my usual amount on groceries that are actually good for me (which is the part I always sort of forget about, how much more healthy food costs than processed stuff).

Sticking with it, but we've all heard that before.

251

2009-03-20T13:46:00.001-05:00

Starting to think I shouldn't weigh myself every day. It's a habit now, but recording things this often makes the wins seem bigger and the losses seem worse than they probably really are in the short term.

254

2009-03-19T08:24:00.000-05:00

So it's gonna be like this, eh?

I do a solid hour in the gym. I eat according to my strict new schedule. I do all these things right and we're just gonna stay at 254.

Not cool, man. Not cool.

254

2009-03-18T08:23:00.001-05:00

Lots of booze and then an after-drinking snack last night won a split decision over the salads I had for lunch and dinner.

252

2009-03-17T08:34:00.002-05:00

The gym at my apartment complex is finally open again.

When I first moved to this place, I was more driven by price and a few certain features than anything else, but the fact that there was mention of a gym in the brochure certainly didn't hurt their pitch. The thing was, when I moved in the thing was sealed up tight and cordoned off with security tape.

Apparently there was a fire.

The official version is that there was a lightning strike, but it's hard not to imagine that some fatty snuck a George Foreman grill in there and things got out of hand.

Whatever the case it's back. And I'm going to take advantage.

253

2009-03-16T08:43:00.001-05:00

Considering the weekend of drinking and New York street food that I'm coming off, the fact that this is only three pounds more than what I started with is kinda shocking. Hopefully I can get those back off soon.

250

2009-03-13T07:03:00.001-05:00

Thats what it said. I weighed myself twice to be sure. 250!

252

2009-03-12T07:47:00.000-05:00

Well, at least I'm still holding steady.

P.S.

2009-03-11T09:16:00.002-05:00

You don't even know how badly I want to break 250. Especially being this close.

252

2009-03-11T08:58:00.003-05:00

It's a little weird to see the numbers stay this consistent. Even when I was working out like a fiend there was still a little variation.

My big push this time has been getting medieval on my eating habits. All this week it's been packet of oatmeal for breakfast, some sort of salad for lunch, and something decent for dinner.

Been to the gym twice this week. Only missed yesterday because of little league.

I'm finding myself really hungry during the day, which is a problem -- but the results pretty much speak for themselves, so I need to stick with it.

252

2009-03-10T08:06:00.002-05:00

Holding steady. Ate breakfast (oatmeal), salad for lunch, and a sensible dinner yesterday. Also spent an hour in the gym.

252

2009-03-08T17:37:00.002-05:00

I don't know how the hell this happened, but I'll take it.

What else I'll take is a fresh start. Sure, sure, I know what you're saying -- another fresh start eh? How many is that -- 50 so far?

Honestly, I'm gonna talk to Monster and see if we can change the name of the site to Challenge of the Pudgy Fresh Starts. Seems like that would be more fitting.

Anyways, the fresh start. Hit the gym today for an hour. Not too impressive, a lot of rust to shake off. But I was there. Then I hit the grocery store for some needed stuff and ended up buying a bunch of vegetables.

I was shocked too.

I'm trying. I really am. I just hope something good comes of it this time.

258

2009-01-26T09:40:00.001-06:00

A circus weekend, complete with cotton candy, quick meals with the boy and all that comes with it tacked 2 pounds back on me pretty quick. Hopefully we can get those back off soon.

256

2009-01-23T10:15:00.002-06:00

Little surprised by the number this morning -- still on my sorta "doing very little" workout plan, which is to say nothing about the fact that I had fried chicken for dinner last night and a cinnamon roll for breakfast this morning.

The good news is that I'm taking my kid to see the circus tonight (his first), so whatever weight I was carrying in my wallet should be reduced greatly by the time that's all over *rimshot*

256

2009-01-21T09:37:00.003-06:00

It's not like I've not been doing nothing, but I've not been doing much.

And it's ..working?

258

2009-01-08T08:26:00.002-06:00

The scale says 258, but on the way to work this morning I bought an english muffin with butter for breakfast -- and almost as soon as I ate it I started feeling violently ill. Stay tuned, because the number could change very, very soon.

257

2009-01-07T11:25:00.002-06:00

It doesn't sound like much, but it's close to 10 pounds less than I was a few days after Christmas. I'm not sure how much of this progress you can credit to me (haven't been to the gym that many times since then), but I'll take it.

2008: The Year in Review

2009-01-06T10:05:00.017-06:00

It's all about point of view. In terms of being fat, staying fat, and getting fatter -- '08 fucking rocked. The starts, the stops, the restarts, the frustration, the anger, the malaise.. few stones were left unturned without later being eaten while simultaneously not being raised above my head repetitively in an effort to tone muscle or burn any amount of fat.

That being said, I did get in the ring with my weight and try to fight it off during the past 12 months.

..It's just that I lost horribly at it and ended up about 10-15 pounds heavier than when I first joined this blog several years back.

Here's the thing -- much like those "weight loss plateaus" that I've heard so much about but not really had much chance to experience -- I think there are equal and opposite levels of weight gain plateaus.

For example, there was a a long period where I was utterly unhappy with the way I couldn't really escape the 240's. Considering that I haven't seen anything close to 240 for a few years now makes this seem funny to me, but I clearly remember complaining about it.

At one point a few years later after training for few a few River Runs and I got into a 228 kind of groove where I was purchasing "Large" sized shirts instead of XL's, and occasionally having to look for smaller pants size -- but then after a series of personal and physical roller coasters, I've found myself living in the 260's, with occasional nods towards even higher numbers.

That being said, I'm on to 2009 with a new resolve and yet another new push, and what at one point was 265 has now been slinking back down towards the 250's, where I believe my real plateau at this point in time actually is.

I still eat badly, but I'm working on it. The new gimmick that I'm trying is adding/substituting turkey in places where beef and chicken previously ruled, and drinking more water during the day. I'm also back in the gym on a semi-regular (read: 3 times since the start of the new year so far) basis. If that weren't enough I'm also trying a new thermogenics regimen and researching certain supplements in the hope that they might help things along.

The interesting side effects to all this thus far is that I seem to be alternating between being pissed off for no apparent reason and ridiculously drowsy at inopportune times, which is to say nothing about how hungry I am late at night -- which is usually a prime snack hour for me that I've been resisting, which probably has more than a little to do with how pissed off I am in the mornings when all I have to look forward to each day is emptying my 1.5L bottle of Zephyrhills.

It's not all doom and gloom, I have lost about 5 pounds since the holiday binge season, but I know myself well enough to know I can get that back pretty damn easily if I put my mind to it.

And so it goes -- beating myself up as I charge into the new year feeling tired and pissed off and slightly lighter than I was a week or two ago. My gym membership finally ends sometime this year, which is OK because I now have free access to the gym at work and I could really use the extra scratch every month.

I do look back at using this blog as a positive, even though there were times when posting here was more depressing than helpful. So I'm gonna keep up with that/this -- but I wish there was a way to use it more proactively.

For example, I recently got a "these are yours I don't want them in my house anymore" care package from my ex-wife that included several pictures of a markedly thinner me that made me feel like crap, which might provide a useful compare/contrast tool here -- but will probably find it's way to my main blog instead just for it's value in terms of self-deferential humor rather than offer definitive proof of how much I've let myself go in the past few decades.

Still, the idea of adding photos or graphics is intriguing. We'll have to see where I can go with that. Suggestions are welcome, but no one reads this blog anyways so it's not like I'm expecting much.

Here's what I know. Any change that is going to happen will take a few months to kick in. Thus far it's also become clear that my frustration level with my weight loss peaks every few months regardless of my progress.

Basically, it's a race.

Tune in next month to see who's winning!

263

2008-12-05T08:19:00.002-06:00

Haven't updated this blog in a while.
Haven't been going to the gym.
Haven't been working out at home.
Haven't been really eating right.

258

2008-11-14T08:52:00.002-06:00

Back at it after a couple of days of lethargy/laziness. It's a problem that's seeped into everything -- blogging, going out, doing the dishes. I just lost the edge for a few days there.

Burned a new part of P90X to DVD and tried it -- arms and back. Still a lot of pull-ups involved, which I still don't have any way to do, but it was a different sort of workout. I need to get the hang of it, but I kinda like it.

One thing though -- Arm Circles.

Every P90X warm up has arm circles in them. 4 sets, 2 varieties -- and they burn. I don't know if they do any good for any muscle set whatsoever, but they burn, and it sucks. They're just arm circles, right?

It's part of the reason I stick with P90X, despite the fact that the trainer is annoyingly smug and the workouts are largely built on equipment I don't have. Because despite all that -- it's pretty straightforward work. I feel like it might take me 3 years of sticking to this workout to get anywhere, but I will say that every time I do an hour of it, I feel it.

I'll probably do the arms and back thing again tonight. We'll see.

259

2008-11-11T09:02:00.002-06:00

Something I was worried about came true last night. Thus far on my latest new push I've been doing exercises based off a mixture of two things -- P90X's chest and back workout video, and the Turbulence Training guys YouTube Channel. It gets my heart pumping, it works me hard -- it's a good thing.

But knowing I had to keep shifting it, I decided to dig deeper into the well and vary my workout a bit, focus on a different muscle group. The majority of the stuff I've done so far is upper body, and I was worried I'd overdo it or forget the rest. Last week I did a bunch of lower body stuff in the gym. I was rusty at it, but made it through.

Last night I moved on to the next P90X thing, which was called Ab Ripper X. 15 minutes of crunches and related moves.

I could barely do any of it.

Crunches always suck, but what surprised me when I tried it was how much the moves hurt my lower back. I couldn't focus on the crunch because it hurt just to sit or lie in the correct position.

I haven't figured out why this is - or what's wrong with my back (it doesn't hurt at other times), but I had to shift focus and decided instead do do a bunch of the Turbulence Training full body exercises instead.

The book should arrive soon. We'll see if it helps.

259

2008-11-09T08:10:00.000-06:00

P90X again -- did the full hour this time, only skipped a few of the things I don't have the equipment to do (no pull up bar). Also discovered a 10-minute workout from the Turbulence Training guy that I can probably do in the mornings if I can get out of bed early enough.

259

2008-11-08T19:41:00.001-06:00

P90X again -- chest and back exercises. The workout is an hour. I managed about 35 minutes.

262

2008-11-07T10:08:00.000-06:00

Worked out lower body last night. Full hour in the gym.

No change.

262

2008-11-06T08:20:00.002-06:00

Two nights ago I really pushed it. An hour straight with weights, pushups, the whole nine. Last night I was exhausted, possibly from staying up late and basking in Obamamania. So I took the night off. Half the things I read say a day off is a good thing.

The first time in three months that I've topped 260 argues otherwise.

260

2008-11-04T19:16:00.003-06:00

Not surprised by the lack of change, I normally don't weigh in twice a day. However, felt I should post anyways.

Bad news is that my Turbulence Training book hasn't come in the mail yet.

Good news is it didn't deter me from getting back on the horse. I wanted to keep an eye on the election coverage, so I stayed home instead of going to the gym -- deciding to see if I could chase the P90X guy around instead.

The workout is an hour. It's like 15 exercises cycled twice. In other words, you warm up, do 15, rest, and then you go back through the 15 again. A bunch of the exercises required a pull-up bar, which I don't have -- so I substituted squats and stuff for those. I kinda kept up with it, probably doing about 65-70% of the workout. It's hard to keep up with the guy, and like I've said before, P90X is really for people who are sort of in shape already, not people like me who are trying to get back in shape.

Still, I went for it.

I haven't worked out in a while, and certainly not with that sort of intensity. Everything seemed twice as hard and hurt twice as much, but I made it through an hour of lower rep, modified, and substituted exercise. My heart rate is high, and I'm sweating hard.

I'm back, bitches.

260

2008-11-04T10:07:00.001-06:00

Back in the gym tonight. Will be spending time today putting together a much more organized and directed workout. Lets hope it goes better this time.

258

2008-11-03T10:36:00.009-06:00

Over the weekend I :

Didn't work out
Ate a bunch of Halloween candy
Ordered some really good pizza
Researched some exercises that I could do (while eating said pizza)
bought two of these:

I probably paid too much for them (some of the bigger name fitness companies sell products similar to this that cost $400, which is just insane), but I'm banking that "new toy" syndrome might actually work in my favor here. I've also been investigating something called Turbulence Training, which sounds a lot like P90X, which means it's most likely bunk -- but the websites show detailed descriptions of exercises I can do.

The thought is to build a workout that I can do whether I go to the gym or not. I'm not sure if it will work, but just because I skip doesn't mean I shouldn't do anything.

I do like the way the guy behind the Turbulence Training thing talks, but that only counts for so much -- because when you're fat and looking for a shortcut every skinny dude with biceps seems like an expert.

This guy's spin is that cardio doesn't help -- especially if it's extended time and steady pace. What he's pushing is interval training (varying speeds/intensities) mixed with weightlifting and of course -- a food plan that I'll glance at hopefully yet surely never follow.

Tonight is boyscouts with my son, which means I'll get home too late to go to the gym -- but I should be able to do at least some of the things I've researched out with these weights and some of the interval training stuff I've seen online.

Compared to the nothing I've been doing lately, I'm hoping it is slightly more effective.

259

2008-10-30T11:41:00.003-05:00

I haven't been to the gym in a week. I've just been frustrated to the point where even when I've had time to go (which hasn't always been the case) I've just been kinda bitter enough to just stay home and surf cable.

I have to find a better way.

And lets not discount the approach of Halloween -- the holiday where for years now I've scoped out the candy my son gets from trick or treating that he doesn't like, I offer to "help him" by taking it away, and then I eat it like a POW encountering his first cheeseburger in 10 years.

There was a point about a week and a half ago where I thought I was getting somewhere. Then for some reason I took a half a step back to examine it, and I realized I was bullshitting myself.

And here's the kicker. The ONLY way I can think of to fix this is to get back in the gym and get back into the swing of doing the same things that have accomplished nothing for me so far.

My belly is disgusting. I can't believe I walk around with this thing.

258

2008-10-27T08:59:00.002-05:00

BMI is a scam. A big, fat fucking lie that only serves to pat skinny people on the back. I did some calculations based off my whole re-focus thing and realized that there was essentially no way I'd ever reach the right side of that scale short of lopping off one of my legs or suddenly growing 8 feet taller.

I was thinking about writing about it on the other site, because the fallout from all this realization was that I sorta blew off the gym all weekend. It's like I was dating someone and seeing them almost every day, and then they did something to piss me off, so I basically avoided them all weekend even though I had plenty of opportunities to see them.

Tonight's boy scouts with my son, which means I probably won't get home until like 9 or so - which means I'll probably skip it tonight too (like I have the past couple of weeks).

The worst part of the whole thing was that in looking to chart my progress and be more regimented about my workouts and stuff, I came across some older spreadsheets that I had started in the past for the same reasons -- which means that a) I'm just going in the same circles I've been going around for a while and b) if these old spreadsheets are right, I'm like 20 pounds heavier than I was when I first started trying to lose this weight last year.

So yeah, I got pissed and blew it all off this weekend.

Refocusalypse Now - 258

2008-10-23T11:42:00.007-05:00

Been thinking a lot about my lack of progress, and my rising urge to throw my hands up and just go back to doing nothing and hoping it works better than all this crap I'm doing right now.

Part of the issue I think is that even though I'm mentally comitted, I am kinda haphazard. I really don't know what I'm doing half the time. I watch other people, I read online, I try to put together a plan, but when I get in there it's all sort of which machine is free and which type of weightlifting I didn't do the day before.

Not sure that's helping me.
So I hunted down this page that will hopefully give me a better idea.

Also, I'm starting to find information online that says cardio isn't good for steadily raising your metabolism (which is what I really need to do), but then there are half a dozen other sources that say weightlifting isn't really all that great for weight loss.

The guys I know who are cut swear weightlifting is the only way.
The women I know who are skinny only seem to do cardio or pilates.

And somewhere in the middle is me, two months into this with really nothing to show for it physically or on the scale.

There's got to be a way to turn this around.

Oh and by the way -- the internet is no help at all. I just spent half an hour looking for something called a "Printable Blank Weight Lifting Chart," only to find videos of people using them, pages that said they had one but then only turn out to be search engines themselves listing links to other pages that say they have one that still don't.

However, I did find one.

I don't know if it will totally help, but as much as this blog has been in it's own small way a motivating factor for me not to quit, it's not been very helpful in showing me any progress.

Open that link, go to the file menu and click "Save As. The chart is very basic, but at least it's compartmentalized in a way that makes a little sense.

btw, one of the main things that spreadsheet uses as a metric is something called BMI (body mass index).

I also found a website that can calculate that for you.

I'm not sure all this will do any good either way, but at least it's something to work for.

Gym tonight. Will be charting progress. Wish me luck.

257

2008-10-22T21:31:00.001-05:00

Went to the gym late. Had to essentially bully myself into going. Been really discouraged lately.

256

2008-10-21T08:38:00.003-05:00

Time management sometimes becomes an issue, especially when your workout is set for such a specific block of time. While I've finally found an hour where I'm normally free to do this stuff, the margin for error is actually pretty slim -- as this weekend proved.

Between having my son and just planning more things than I could easily juggle, it's been almost 4 days without a workout. And it's not like those 4 days were taco bell or egg mcmuffin free, either.

Plus, I'm catching a cold -- which always hampers any sort of motivation.

I'm not giving up, but there's a lot of obstacles to manage right now, and it's frustrating.

258

2008-10-17T08:59:00.005-05:00

Had a chance to talk to Ralph last night at the bar, who is in fantastic shape. We were talking about my gym troubles and he basically confirmed some of my fears when he said, "I don't want to be mean, but if you've been at it for a couple of months and nothing is happening then you're probably doing something wrong."

He's offered some specific help. I'm gonna try to take him up on it.

255

2008-10-15T20:03:00.001-05:00

Hour in the gym, kinda pushed it tonight so I could get home for the debates and the PR finale. Still broke a sweat, still worked it.

..Still the same weight.

255

2008-10-14T20:36:00.003-05:00

Mondays are just too busy to go to the gym, but I managed a few sets of situps while I was catching up on tivo stuff, so I guess it wasn't a total wash.

Hit the gym tonight. Hour in -- 25 cardio, 35 working the weights.

259

2008-10-13T09:39:00.002-05:00

I've been doing more weightlifting than cardio lately. Not tons of it or psycho amounts of weight, but when I'm in there I'm lifting more than I'm running.

And now my weight seems to be going up -- I hit a 260 over the weekend.

Hoping I can get in the company gym today. My key card needs to clear first, and someone in IT has been dragging their feet.

255

2008-10-11T20:49:00.001-05:00

Back in the gym tonight. Solid hour. Still need to do more, but at least I haven't quit.

Good to see the monster back. He can be my wingman anytime.

When the Superfriends is Just Batman

2008-10-10T12:11:00.002-05:00

Hex - that scale moment sucks. More power, brother.

No fanfare, but I shouldn't have left you alone here at the Hall of Pudgy Justice. Back in action.

I think I'm heavier than I've ever been. Moving stress, job stress, you know the drill. Still, it's not cool.

So I'm ratcheting up the exercise and trying to curb the junk food.

Today's project - grabbing a scale for the house and chain for the heavy bag.

258

2008-10-10T08:55:00.004-05:00

Whenever I go into the gym I'll usually take a second to jump on their scale, just to see if it's waay out of wack with the one I have at home. Normally they're pretty close but you never know.

But last night when I got there a guy was ahead of me. Shorter by a couple of inches, with a much bigger belly. I mean, his shirt was riding up and I could (unwillingly) see the bottom of his belly when he jumped on the scale.

I also got a peek at his weight while waiting my turn --

Guy is like 30 pounds lighter than I am.

Kinda soured my mood for the workout. I have a big gut. I can sorta dress in a way that makes me look broad-shouldered and thick, but I'm not sloppy fat (not yet, at least) like this dude was. And yet here he stood, wheezing like goddamn Jabba the Hutt -- but still coming in well under my target weight.

I still put in an hour, and I'm not giving up. But that wasn't a fun moment.

255

2008-10-09T08:13:00.001-05:00

Did go to the gym last night and put in close to an hour -- but it was haphazard at best. I pretty much had to talk myself into going. It's been like that lately. Probably not a good thing.

256

2008-10-07T19:48:00.003-05:00

Haven't been to the gym in a few days. The weekends when I have my son are easy excuses not to go, because I'm never sure what to do with him while I'm there.

Finally got back in there tonight, put in a decent hour -- but even so, I've got to say this:

I'm really discouraged with my lack of progress lately. I feel like I'm not really getting anywhere. I have good days here and there, but most of the time I still feel the same way I did when I wasn't working out. I sorta need something to happen.

I know it's on me, and my eating habits and inconsistencies when it comes to working out don't help -- but give me a little something here. Help me feel like somethings happening at all.

Because it doesn't feel that way. Not at all.

256

2008-10-05T08:24:00.003-05:00

Been slacking off a little. Whenever it's my weekend to spend with my son it's hard to manage -- because it's hard to take him to the gym with me, and we're usually busy enough for me to blow off exercising in lieu of playing. I don't think it's the worst trade off in the world, but it sometimes bleeds into the Monday after I have him, and that's worrisome.

In other news, I was finally able to get clearance to join the company gym (which as a permanent employee I am allowed to use 24/7 for FREE). I was expecting it to be pretty small, but was pleasantly surprised to find a lot of weight training equipment inside. I'll probably start going there Monday, once my ID card finishes processing.

256

2008-10-02T08:49:00.002-05:00

Last night was one of the first nights where I walked into the gym focused on what I was gonna do instead of thinking to myself "Cool, I actually made it."

255

2008-10-01T08:16:00.002-05:00

One of the reasons I can't get to the gym until somewhere after 8pm is because my ex-wife works late, leaving me to pick the boy up after school. I love spending time with him, but the later and later she stretches the time between getting off work and showing up to get him -- the later I'm able to get off to the gym (which unfortunately also gives me more time to make some excuse to skip out on it altogether). Not that I'm saying the times I decide to skip are her fault -- but that the whole situation doesn't help.

Neither does announcing that she lost 10 pounds in the last month, which she seems to be doing a lot lately.

I've been keeping track of my weight with this blog for how long now?
And how much total progress have I made?

..Congrats, whatever.

That sucked.

253

2008-09-30T21:37:00.002-05:00

Got to the gym late, but still managed to put in an hour. I missed a couple of days, so everything burned a little more than it might have otherwise, and I might have done myself some good there -- but I'm feeling really lonely tonight and can't shake the suspicion that your cell phone hates me; so I'm probably gonna hit the bar and drown my sorrows in something fattening.

254

2008-09-29T08:30:00.002-05:00

Remember that 2 miles I said I ran? Well I finally had a chance to measure and it was actually more like 5.

253

2008-09-27T09:46:00.002-05:00

Been really going at it lately. Two straight days in the gym, and then last night I decided to run/walk 2 miles. I can't say I really aced it, but I did finish the track. I'll probably do some lifting today too, try to keep up the string.

255

2008-09-25T08:50:00.002-05:00

Family business and other things left me at home thinking it was getting too late to work out at all, when I just up and decided to stop whining and just GO. Ended up doing a full-on 45 minutes in the gym. It sounds sorta screwy, but with the things I've got going in my world a gym visit from 8pm to 9 might just be the perfect fit. Have to see how it works out from here.

PS - Happy birthday to me.

256

2008-09-24T08:23:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I was at the store pricing pull-up bars that I might be able to install in one of my doorways (pull-ups are a big part of my new plan to work on my arms and back), and I was starting to like what I was seeing in terms of price -- but then on the back of the box of the one I was leaning towards I saw a little note that said

"Not recommended for persons weighing more than 255 pounds."

253

2008-09-23T09:24:00.001-05:00

Last night I did a lot of planning to work out. Didn't actually work out at all, but I did a lot of the prep work. Transferred video files from my computer to DVD, started laying out times, trying to figure out what I might need to buy, (I need dumbbells at least), but by the time all that was done it was almost 9, and I hadn't eaten much of anything all day. So by the time I figured out dinner I'd pretty much talked myself out of doing anything.

Somehow all that thinking took 4 pounds off me. So, you know -- woot.

257

2008-09-22T09:51:00.002-05:00

Didn't work out at all this weekend. Went swimming with my son, but nothing resembling exercise actually happened. I'm in this weird place where despite the fact that I'm pretty convinced that it's not gonna work for me, I am considering working at least part of P90X into my regimen (which I say like I have one, even though I clearly don't).

But there's a simple problem -- I can't really do a pull up. Well, I could probably do one, but that's about it. P90X is all about pull-ups and stuff, which means I'm gonna have trouble with it.

Lets not lie. I want results, but I don't want the process.

253

2008-09-19T08:57:00.001-05:00

Yo-yo. Yo-yo. Yo-yo.