255

This particular number doesn't really tell the story, because more than just being on the bad side of my own weight spectrum lately, I just feel horrendously fat. It's different from those times where you reach a certain unfortunate comfort level with your size (whatever it may be), because lately I'm just more aware of it. Can't stop thinking about it.

As a result, I've been having some pretty crazy thoughts lately.

Colonics. Liposuction. Body Wraps. Something to kick start me off. Essentially the lottery tickets of the weight loss world.

But honestly, there's a point where it sounds like the only real answer.

To tell you the truth, I'm starting to feel like I'll never escape 250. Seriously, even if I can get dedicated with my workouts and curb my diet in a good direction, I feel like I'm forever doomed to be this size.

So why not just fork out huge money and have it sucked out? Why not get a 30 or 40-pound head start? Wouldn't my workouts be more effective if I wasn't fat to start with? Wouldn't I do better if I was without all this junk inside me?

Not that I could probably afford it anyways, but lately the question "How much would lipo really cost?" has really been bouncing around in my head.

Probably not a healthy train of thought to be on, but I'm on it nonetheless.

Have to see where this goes..

250

Trickery. Prestidigitation. Deception.

You know that feeling you get when you've been working out hard for a few weeks, really sweating and watching your meals and then you get on the scale and nothing's different?

I feel like I'm sort of the mirror-image of that. I've been ..off lately. Not working out. Eating a lot of take out, snacking late at night, skipping meals. So while the number on the scale is a relief of sorts, I know it's sort of a lie. Like in the next few weeks the effects of this recent bout of blues will manifest themselves.

The other problem I'm having is one of acceptance standards. 250 used to be a really bad number. 250 was a reason to get mad. Then I let things get a little out of control, and 250 became sort of a "I'm getting back on track" benchmark number. A water cup station in the middle of a long race, letting you know you're making progress -- but you've still got a ways to go.

Now 250 is sort of a good number. 250 is a relief.

Not a good thing. Gotta work on it.

250

Haven't been working out, and last night's dinner was mostly potato chips. The good news is that I'm down almost 10 pounds from where I was a few weeks ago after a particularly bad binge eating period, but because I'm essentially down to like 2 meals a day (complications resulting from having to pick my kid up from school early and then take him back to work with me, which is it's own mess that I'm probably gonna catch hell for pretty soon from my bosses), and I've been eating out/fast fooding it too much lately -- I'm sorta surprised at this number.

I'm down lately. Lonely, largely uninspired -- hitting this mess of fall blahs as my birthday unavoidable approaches and things off in the distance seem unsure for whatever reason.

I need to get focused, or even just find a spark of inspiration to get addicted to.

Just haven't been able to uncover it yet..

251

Earlier this week the scale threw a 257 at me. I was floored and saddened, but it was impossible to escape the fact that I've not been working out, not been careful about my eating, not really caring as much. Early on it was part of a vacation, a reconnection, a celebration of flavors and passion and connection and unity and all, and then days later it was mourning a greyhound bus pulling away and the once again end of that feeling.

And yet, from closing in on 240 to back pushing 260. It hurt.

I've worked back a bit since then, which this number thankfully attests to.

254

There are three things I've dedicated myself to doing in the next 6 months -- with hopes that this extra dedication will yield results and get me in the habit of not losing touch with any of them on a regular basis:

Write every day.
Perform at least one song a week on Guitar.
Work out and finally lose the weight.

So far I'm on good track with two of these, but seeing this morning's numbers on the scale -- and knowing exactly the kind of junk food and laziness that led directly to it happening means I've still got a lot of work to do.

250

For the last 10 days, I was on vacation. As such, junk food was a priority. Pizza, wings, booze, chinese food, and more.

As such, the fact that I'm somehow holding at 250 is a huge surprise.

I'm looking to get back on the horse this week (among other things) -- so hopefully progress will follow.

Fingers crossed, yo.

249

Busied myself with all sorts of other things this weekend, but still found/made time for short workouts. Want to hit the weight room this week. We'll see what happens.

250

Sporadic workouts. Life stress. Pizza. Life changes. Booze. Anger, hurt, loss. More booze. Eating angry. Workouts seem pointless when you feel like you're just sliding back into the place you've worked so hard to crawl back out of since you freed yourself from the people that held you down, held you back.

And yet, this morning I did 25 minutes with EA active. Makes no sense.

But then again, what really does?

251

Didn't work out over the weekend. Ate a lot of pizza. Personal drama, weekend ennui, and whatever made a bad cocktail. I have to figure out a way for exercise and eating right not to be the part of my day I have to struggle to make happen. It should be a part of my routine -- it just isn't yet.

249

Worked out twice yesterday. Once in the morning, then started EA Active's 30 day challenge last night. Legs are feeling it, but hopefully the results will follow.

251

Pulled off the rare trifecta -- missing lunch yesterday, going out all night, drinking a shitload of beer, wolfing down fast food somewhere around 11pm and then going to a few more places, drinking a whole bunch more beer and doing shots of some sort of Wild Turkey whiskey called "American Honey" -- followed by hard sleep, waking up rough, and then charging through a 30 minute full-body workout and then running off to work.

How I'm still awake and lucid at this point is a complete mystery.

But I put off working out for much longer than I should have all weekend, so the fact that I found a way (granted, an insane way) to get it in makes me feel a little better.

246

Haven't done a lot of working out this week, but I did attend a seriously awesome concert by Skindred at a tiny hole in the wall club here in Jacksonville earlier in the week.

It was almost identical to a really good workout, except that instead of an energy drink I had a bunch of whiskey, and instead of doing high reps on a weight machine I slamdanced and then bounced around for the better part of an hour while periodically singing along at the top of my lungs.

I came out of it drenched in sweat, popping with endorphins, and feeling it in every muscle.

Three times a week of that kind of action and I'd be set.

250

Purchased EA Active over the weekend -- their new "personal trainer" program. Gave it a try, and got a hell of a workout for 20 minutes. The interesting thing about it (so far) is that the exercises are largely the same sort of total body interval moves that the Turbulence Training guy who's book I read a while back.

I need to start the 30-day challenge feature, and the website has lots of pages to check out as well, but it gives me an at-home workout option I really didn't have before. The trick now (as always) is sticking with it.

245

I blinked when I saw this. Then I weighed myself a few more times to be sure. It's really not that big of a deal.. but it's a pretty big deal.

249

Been trying different things, edging towards re-establishing a gym regimen, and swimming when I can. But on the flip side, I've been missing meals and sometimes eating things I probably shouldn't.

The Yo continues to Yo.

246

This was a surprise. But there's not a 5 anywhere in it, so it's getting posted.

252

The thing I've discovered in terms of my own effort to lose weight that the one thing that seems to trump everything else is consistency.

If I find a way maybe not to eat the exact same thing every day but more specifically to eat the same number of meals around the same time with essentially the same makeup to them, my body has to react to the change and get the metabolism motor running and make things happen.

Once I fool my gut into thinking there isn't an entire pizza or a late-night run on ramen noodles coming, then it gets off it's lazy ass and starts burning stored up fat.

The past month with the changes that have put my son in my life 24/7 followed by the decree that coffee can no longer be had at your desk at work, followed by being sucked into this full time project last week where not only was I not at my desk at all, but lunches were provided free as long as they were purchased at the work cafe (which is essentially a short order grill) essentially threw almost all of the recent progress I've made out the window.

Or to put it another way -- The Philly Cheesesteaks were good to eat, but they weren't very good to me.

Plus, emotionally I'm kinda shot lately. Despite the fact that I have a constant companion now that my son is living with me, I'm terribly lonely. My center has been kinda blown apart, I don't feel like my life is mine to guide right now, and I'm seethingly angry at the adult who I feel is at fault. If that weren't enough, all of this change has been jarring -- but in such a way that makes me feel selfish and guilty for being angry about it. All of which are topics for another place, but essentially make great supporting arguments when either deciding to skip meals randomly or binge on whatever isn't nailed down the first chance you get.

Anyways, end result -- not in the gym. Not much into the salad fixings. Not much into regular meals, or portion control. Not surprised that the graph is going back the wrong way again.

248

I haven't been working out at all since the boy moved in. Perhaps if you can count Wii fitness, which shows my "fitness age" at 29 (pffft, I wish) I've been active, but seeing this number under 250 was honestly a surprise.

I was told recently that my scale "weighs heavy." That somehow it was reading 5-6 pounds heavier than one at a doctors office. I'm not sure what to make of that -- it's cheapo digital, so it can't really be calibrated -- but there's also a grand chance that the person who said all that didn't like their number and felt a need to fight back by calling my scale out.

Maybe I'll try to find another scale this weekend to compare with.

251

I've been eating badly lately. Last night I had a bunch of Chinese food, and during the week I've found it a lot easier just to order something at McDonald's with my son rather than watch him eat and wait until I get home.

I love having him with me, but I still haven't figured out the "getting into the gym while he's here" angle yet.

So consequently, my weight's gone back up.

I did get a Wii, which gets your heart pumping more than you'd think. Especially that boxing game, and the tennis. Not sure the Wii Fit is worth it, but it's strange to be tired after a game like that.

My PS2's a lazy girlfriend. This Wii chick, she wants to go jogging or some crap like that.

Anyways, I'm gonna try to sneak into the gym this weekend. We'll see how it goes.

249

Did some bad eating in the past few days, and with the life change of having my little boy now living with me full-time, getting into the gym has become kind of a trick. He can't really go in there with me, and even if I snuck him in -- I'm worried he'd mess around on the equipment and get hurt.

His mom had him for a short while Sunday, so I managed to get an hour in there -- but it's the first time I'd worked out in a week, so I'm honestly surprised this number isn't worse.