259

I haven't been to the gym in a week. I've just been frustrated to the point where even when I've had time to go (which hasn't always been the case) I've just been kinda bitter enough to just stay home and surf cable.

I have to find a better way.

And lets not discount the approach of Halloween -- the holiday where for years now I've scoped out the candy my son gets from trick or treating that he doesn't like, I offer to "help him" by taking it away, and then I eat it like a POW encountering his first cheeseburger in 10 years.

There was a point about a week and a half ago where I thought I was getting somewhere. Then for some reason I took a half a step back to examine it, and I realized I was bullshitting myself.

And here's the kicker. The ONLY way I can think of to fix this is to get back in the gym and get back into the swing of doing the same things that have accomplished nothing for me so far.

My belly is disgusting. I can't believe I walk around with this thing.

258

BMI is a scam. A big, fat fucking lie that only serves to pat skinny people on the back. I did some calculations based off my whole re-focus thing and realized that there was essentially no way I'd ever reach the right side of that scale short of lopping off one of my legs or suddenly growing 8 feet taller.

I was thinking about writing about it on the other site, because the fallout from all this realization was that I sorta blew off the gym all weekend. It's like I was dating someone and seeing them almost every day, and then they did something to piss me off, so I basically avoided them all weekend even though I had plenty of opportunities to see them.

Tonight's boy scouts with my son, which means I probably won't get home until like 9 or so - which means I'll probably skip it tonight too (like I have the past couple of weeks).

The worst part of the whole thing was that in looking to chart my progress and be more regimented about my workouts and stuff, I came across some older spreadsheets that I had started in the past for the same reasons -- which means that a) I'm just going in the same circles I've been going around for a while and b) if these old spreadsheets are right, I'm like 20 pounds heavier than I was when I first started trying to lose this weight last year.

So yeah, I got pissed and blew it all off this weekend.

Refocusalypse Now - 258

Been thinking a lot about my lack of progress, and my rising urge to throw my hands up and just go back to doing nothing and hoping it works better than all this crap I'm doing right now.

Part of the issue I think is that even though I'm mentally comitted, I am kinda haphazard. I really don't know what I'm doing half the time. I watch other people, I read online, I try to put together a plan, but when I get in there it's all sort of which machine is free and which type of weightlifting I didn't do the day before.

Not sure that's helping me.

So I hunted down this page that will hopefully give me a better idea.

Also, I'm starting to find information online that says cardio isn't good for steadily raising your metabolism (which is what I really need to do), but then there are half a dozen other sources that say weightlifting isn't really all that great for weight loss.

The guys I know who are cut swear weightlifting is the only way.
The women I know who are skinny only seem to do cardio or pilates.

And somewhere in the middle is me, two months into this with really nothing to show for it physically or on the scale.

There's got to be a way to turn this around.

Oh and by the way -- the internet is no help at all. I just spent half an hour looking for something called a "Printable Blank Weight Lifting Chart," only to find videos of people using them, pages that said they had one but then only turn out to be search engines themselves listing links to other pages that say they have one that still don't.

However, I did find one.

I don't know if it will totally help, but as much as this blog has been in it's own small way a motivating factor for me not to quit, it's not been very helpful in showing me any progress.

Open that link, go to the file menu and click "Save As. The chart is very basic, but at least it's compartmentalized in a way that makes a little sense.

btw, one of the main things that spreadsheet uses as a metric is something called BMI (body mass index).

I also found a website that can calculate that for you.

I'm not sure all this will do any good either way, but at least it's something to work for.

Gym tonight. Will be charting progress. Wish me luck.

257

Went to the gym late. Had to essentially bully myself into going. Been really discouraged lately.

256

Time management sometimes becomes an issue, especially when your workout is set for such a specific block of time. While I've finally found an hour where I'm normally free to do this stuff, the margin for error is actually pretty slim -- as this weekend proved.

Between having my son and just planning more things than I could easily juggle, it's been almost 4 days without a workout. And it's not like those 4 days were taco bell or egg mcmuffin free, either.

Plus, I'm catching a cold -- which always hampers any sort of motivation.

I'm not giving up, but there's a lot of obstacles to manage right now, and it's frustrating.

258

Had a chance to talk to Ralph last night at the bar, who is in fantastic shape. We were talking about my gym troubles and he basically confirmed some of my fears when he said, "I don't want to be mean, but if you've been at it for a couple of months and nothing is happening then you're probably doing something wrong."

He's offered some specific help. I'm gonna try to take him up on it.

255

Hour in the gym, kinda pushed it tonight so I could get home for the debates and the PR finale. Still broke a sweat, still worked it.

..Still the same weight.

255

Mondays are just too busy to go to the gym, but I managed a few sets of situps while I was catching up on tivo stuff, so I guess it wasn't a total wash.

Hit the gym tonight. Hour in -- 25 cardio, 35 working the weights.

259

I've been doing more weightlifting than cardio lately. Not tons of it or psycho amounts of weight, but when I'm in there I'm lifting more than I'm running.

And now my weight seems to be going up -- I hit a 260 over the weekend.

Hoping I can get in the company gym today. My key card needs to clear first, and someone in IT has been dragging their feet.

255

Back in the gym tonight. Solid hour. Still need to do more, but at least I haven't quit.

Good to see the monster back. He can be my wingman anytime.

When the Superfriends is Just Batman

Hex - that scale moment sucks. More power, brother.

No fanfare, but I shouldn't have left you alone here at the Hall of Pudgy Justice. Back in action.

I think I'm heavier than I've ever been. Moving stress, job stress, you know the drill. Still, it's not cool.

So I'm ratcheting up the exercise and trying to curb the junk food.

Today's project - grabbing a scale for the house and chain for the heavy bag.

258

Whenever I go into the gym I'll usually take a second to jump on their scale, just to see if it's waay out of wack with the one I have at home. Normally they're pretty close but you never know.

But last night when I got there a guy was ahead of me. Shorter by a couple of inches, with a much bigger belly. I mean, his shirt was riding up and I could (unwillingly) see the bottom of his belly when he jumped on the scale.

I also got a peek at his weight while waiting my turn --

Guy is like 30 pounds lighter than I am.

Kinda soured my mood for the workout. I have a big gut. I can sorta dress in a way that makes me look broad-shouldered and thick, but I'm not sloppy fat (not yet, at least) like this dude was. And yet here he stood, wheezing like goddamn Jabba the Hutt -- but still coming in well under my target weight.

I still put in an hour, and I'm not giving up. But that wasn't a fun moment.

255

Did go to the gym last night and put in close to an hour -- but it was haphazard at best. I pretty much had to talk myself into going. It's been like that lately. Probably not a good thing.

256

Haven't been to the gym in a few days. The weekends when I have my son are easy excuses not to go, because I'm never sure what to do with him while I'm there.

Finally got back in there tonight, put in a decent hour -- but even so, I've got to say this:

I'm really discouraged with my lack of progress lately. I feel like I'm not really getting anywhere. I have good days here and there, but most of the time I still feel the same way I did when I wasn't working out. I sorta need something to happen.

I know it's on me, and my eating habits and inconsistencies when it comes to working out don't help -- but give me a little something here. Help me feel like somethings happening at all.

Because it doesn't feel that way. Not at all.

256

Been slacking off a little. Whenever it's my weekend to spend with my son it's hard to manage -- because it's hard to take him to the gym with me, and we're usually busy enough for me to blow off exercising in lieu of playing. I don't think it's the worst trade off in the world, but it sometimes bleeds into the Monday after I have him, and that's worrisome.

In other news, I was finally able to get clearance to join the company gym (which as a permanent employee I am allowed to use 24/7 for FREE). I was expecting it to be pretty small, but was pleasantly surprised to find a lot of weight training equipment inside. I'll probably start going there Monday, once my ID card finishes processing.

256

Last night was one of the first nights where I walked into the gym focused on what I was gonna do instead of thinking to myself "Cool, I actually made it."

255

One of the reasons I can't get to the gym until somewhere after 8pm is because my ex-wife works late, leaving me to pick the boy up after school. I love spending time with him, but the later and later she stretches the time between getting off work and showing up to get him -- the later I'm able to get off to the gym (which unfortunately also gives me more time to make some excuse to skip out on it altogether). Not that I'm saying the times I decide to skip are her fault -- but that the whole situation doesn't help.

Neither does announcing that she lost 10 pounds in the last month, which she seems to be doing a lot lately.

I've been keeping track of my weight with this blog for how long now?
And how much total progress have I made?

..Congrats, whatever.

That sucked.