This blog was a great idea and I've really gotten some mileage out of it -- but what makes Loseit.com so much more effective is that it gives you feedback. It tells you when you're screwing up and perhaps more importantly when you're on the right track.

And I'm not just saying this because I've lost 13 pounds since starting on it.

I'm starting to think that when it comes to breaking habits and really forcing change on myself, I have to find ways to kind of obsess over it. Lose It (at least so far) offers me a lot of different angles to approach things -- so as a result (added to the fact that I have my son a lot more lately [don't ask] and therefore can't focus on other things so much) I've gotten pretty into learning as much as I can about it.

I'm also making big changes on what I eat, and how I think about eating. Slow progress on that sort of mindset change -- but at least the pounds are dropping.



I don't understand my body.

A recently as Monday I was pushing 270. I was depressed, frustrated with my lack of progress and positive motivation. The whole "inability to afford the direct assistance from a trainer" thing was a much more crushing blow than I had expected -- and combined with other things going on in my world put me in a place where reuben sandwiches and take out pizza seemed like my best comfort.

But then something interesting happened -- one of my coworkers started to disappear.

A while back this guy had come to me and started talking up this meal plan his brother was on -- one that had helped said brother to lose over 100 pounds.

I suppose I should have listened, especially given the results the brother was getting -- but I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who's been approached with suggestions of ways to lose weight -- which I'm sure are given with good intentions, but frequently feel like people are saying, "Hey, you're fat -- you'll be interested in this."

Meal plan diets have been around for a while, and they seem to be pretty effective -- but like so many of the other things I've tried to get involved with lately the cost of the thing was a problem.

I couldn't afford to help myself. It felt like a money scam, and I had no proof it was actually effective (how did I know the brother wasn't a workout fiend or had a dormant high metabolism?). So I let it go.

But then the coworker began to radically lose weight. His head literally looked smaller. This was a big guy, and shit was working for him.

So I asked for deeper details -- the cost is still high, but the basic idea was the same. Limit calorie intake (pretty radically -- only 1100 calories allowed a day) and balance this change out with vitamin and mineral supplements. Meals were sent to you in the mail to prepare, and someone called every week to check progress and lend assistance. Sounds pretty cool, if you can pay for it.

Still, the idea seemed pretty solid. Limit calories to a specific number.

Add this to my friend James getting me hooked up with Loseit.com (despite a few problems getting the smartphone app to work) and I'm off.

Tracking calories with the site is easy enough, and it's led to some interesting revelations (soup = good, steak n' shake = beyond horrible for me) -- but four days of tracking numbers and eating more soup should in no way had led to almost 6 pounds of weight lost.

I'll take the number, but I have no idea where it came from.


257 (and a dollar will get you a cup of coffee)

I haven't really posted anything here since before I went for my tour/visit with the trainer -- although I have been doing a weekly email weigh-in with a friend, sort of a "where are you at?" type thing that's set on keeping you honest, even if it's only for the possibility of having someone you trust play straight with you, furrow their virtual brow, and kick you in the ass if you decide to slack.

I think in a sense that's what I wanted when I went to the trainer. I can admit now that even before I set the appointment I was pretty sure I couldn't afford it, but "personal training" is one of the few avenues to this goal that I haven't ever tried -- largely because of the cost, and I think in my mind because I'd never had a chance at it I was starting to think of it as some sort of "magic bullet."

In other words, the only path I hadn't really tried yet (short of surgery or finding a magic lamp) is having some skinny person standing next to me encouraging me, correcting me, keeping at me, and furrowing their brow and kicking me in the ass when I try to slack.

So even though I can fully attest that the Jacksonville HIT Center is full of cool gadgets and alternate workout tools (the impression I get is that it's a program built off professional sports cross-training techniques) -- like huge boat mooring ropes you're supposed to whip around for a full-body workout, sand pits, trapeze wires that suspend you from the wall, speed skating simulators, huge tank-tread sized treadmills that you tethered yourself to with a rope so that as it moved forward for your feet it actually pulled backwards on you to increase resistance, full body scanners and diagnostic equipment, yada yada yada --

The real reason I went was to see what it would be like to have a trainer.

I mean when you think about it, even though the equipment in the place is sort of non-traditional, if there was no one there telling you what to do or checking your form -- it wouldn't really be any different from a regular gym, where there's all sorts of tools and machines available -- but only your own personal sense of motivation and understanding to get any use out of them at all.

Most gyms just throw you out to the wolves. I specifically quit the last place I paid a membership too because it became apparent to me about a month in that all the fat people were on one side of the place huffing away pointlessly on treadmills, while all the fit people were on the other side using equipment that my "one free session with a trainer" person had never, ever shown me how to use.

Put me in a sandpit or load me down with boat ropes without any help at all and I'm pretty sure I'd get nowhere fast (which is pretty much how I tend to feel with most nautilus machines and the like). What I really wanted was that skinny bitch in the $300 Reeboks who looks like she's never even seen a chili dog in her life telling me exactly why fucking around with ropes was helpful in the first place and how to do the exercise correctly.

The girl who gave me the tour/sales pitch seemed nice enough, but the more I saw (the place is 3 times bigger than it looks from the outside) the more I knew the inevitable truth, which came almost instantly the moment she opened the pricing book.

To take part in this program would cost more a month that I'm currently paying in rent.

It was crushing. Even though I expected sticker shock, what I wasn't expecting was to see the place literally full of people, many of them kids and teenagers -- and then have it made clear that I couldn't afford to be one of them. That this sort of dedicated "guaranteed to work" system was simply not for people like me.

I went in there thinking I'd confirm that the whole thing was a luxury that might be nice to have, but was just out of my reach, especially with the holidays coming around the corner.

What I got was a room full of people confirming beyond a doubt that I was poor.

And I know that when you get down to it all you need is a pair of running shoes and a belly full of fire. I know that all you really need is the right sort of motivation, and you can turn anything into an effective workout. I know that I can get exercise equipment cheap and used, I can go to the gym at my apartment, all that stuff.

That's not the point.
..That's not the point at all.

It was this feeling I got from the look in the trainer/salesgirl's eyes that made me feel like I was the first person she'd ever met who didn't simply reach into their wallet and say "Well hell if it's that cheap, maybe I should get the bonus plan too."

Who has this kind of money to throw on a gym membership/training package?

..Not me, that's who.

It was a moment that passed pretty quickly (it's not like I don't already know that I'm living check to check) but it's one of those slap in the face type feelings you don't expect, especially when you walk into a place looking for help.

About an hour after all that -- I stopped at a store near my house and bought a $7 jump rope.

..Still haven't used it yet.



Sometime this week I'm going to meet with a trainer and tour this highly-touted fitness center here in town. When I went in last week, all I wanted was a price list -- but they wouldn't give me one without taking the tour first (which means it's probably too expensive anyways).

I've been in a money crunch lately, so I'm not even really sure why I'm following through with this -- because unless it's like five bucks a month it's probably not gonna happen, so it's sort of a weird thing all over.

I've been trying to eat better, but work's been insane lately and between the skipped lunches and the stress I've been coming home and just binging on anything I can find. Not a good pattern.

The good news (if you can call it that) is that I'm still pretty much in the same range I've been in for a while, which is nowhere near where I want to be -- but considering all the fast food I had yesterday, its pretty much a win.

In other words -- If I had a sister, this is the part where I'd be kissing her.



Birthday weeks suck.

They didn't used to.. but they sure do now.



See, THIS is how you run a weight loss blog.

During the time when depression and frustration and apathy start to stack up on you and you suddenly realize that you're no longer occasionally victimized by water weight gain when you sometimes cross the 260 line, but that somewhere along the line you're actually backsliding and you start seeing consistent 270's on the scale -- DON'T BLOG THEM.

Instead, wait a few weeks, start watching your eating a little bit and drink more water, then when the number on the scale starts to look more like your normal averages, then you can write it down.

Except this time I've really got to figure this out, because it's getting worse.

It might sound like a cop-out, but now that I've gotten this whole mess with my son's schooling cleared out, my next big obstacle is figuring out what the hell to do about losing some weight.

I've been sort of quietly weighing my options between trying P90X again or actually paying a trainer to sit on my ass two or three times a week. One's really expensive and might not be sustainable, and the other one is something I failed at before but has been endorsed by a bunch of people I know.

Either way I need to get on this. I'm tired of feeling and looking this way.



Got a letter from the doctor who told me to lose 50 pounds. I'm pretty much pretending I didn't get it -- because I've lost nowhere near that. I think if I can put him off a bit I might be able to get a little more progress in.

Last thing I need is that a-hole yelling at me again.



None of this makes any sense whatsoever.

I don't know if my altered eating habits are having an effect or if I just stood on the scale wrong this morning, but I'm suddenly losing weight like crazy.

Not that 255 is any sort of huge achievement, but just a week or so back I was like 267 -- so this is actually a great number to see staring back at me.



Well, this is certainly better than some of the numbers I've been seeing lately -- but it's still not really any sort of progress that's worth shouting about. This whole process is a huge headslap, and it just gets tiring after a while.

Things to do. Pounds to lose.




Who gains weight after a bought with food poisoning? Seriously, what the fuck?



Well that's just great.

Three days now of swimming laps. Nothing insane, just 4-5 high-intensity back and forths in the apartment pool, the result of which (thus far) has been a huge endorphin kick and my heart pounding from the full-body effort so much that recovery is as much effort as the work -- and now I'm reading that leading researchers pretty much agree that swimming doesn't do much of anything as a weight loss tool.

It's fun. It's kicking my ass, I feel great when I get out of the water -- yet it's doing nothing for me?
Not cool.
I'm not sure this news is going to make me stop. I really like the way I feel after this workout, and I don't see how a full-body exertion like this could be bad for me. Sure it might not give me washboard abs tomorrow, but it's the first thing I've wanted to stick to in a long time.
Friggin' scientists ruining my fun.



Haven't posted in a while. Things have been back and forth. But here's the important stuff:
  • A doctor told me I had to lose 50 pounds or my risk of stroke or heart disease will triple.
  • Then he said, "come see me again in 4 months"
  • 50 pounds
  • 4 Months
Honestly, when I first heard the number I thought he was joking. It's just a ridiculous thought. And that, coupled with some other problems got me eating. There was a 260-something I didn't post a week ago, because I was just ashamed and embarrassed about it.

But I've been back in the gym again lately, working on controlling my caloric intake, the whole nine yards all over again. But then yesterday I was running late to this and that -- and almost bailed on working out altogether -- when a realization hit me that I can't really understand why I hadn't thought of before..
There's a pool at my apartment.
I mean, I know it's there -- I've swam in it many times with my son. But never had I considered it an exercise option.

But last night, pressed for time and with the sun starting to set, I got in there and did a bunch of laps. I was heaving breath and my legs were tight when I got out, but I was also feeling charged and great.

Can I do that every day? Probably not -- but it's an exciting new option that I'm gonna keep up with for a while, especially while the weather's nice.

My weight doesn't seem to be changing that much, but my options are a little more open, and that can't be a bad thing -- you know?



This whole issue of losing all this weight all at once has been really stressing me out. Plus I still apparently don't really understand how this whole thing works -- because despite doing basically nothing for the last week or so AND going out last night for a couple of cocktails, a heaping plate of seafood paella, and conversations with a pretty girl I've somehow lost five pounds.
Seriously, what the hell?



I've always wanted to get my health back in range for personal reasons. To feel better. To keep up with my kid. To be more attractive to the opposite sex. To better match the self-image I carry with myself, and finally be rid of this dysmorphia that enables me to mentally feel like this:

Even though I look like this:

I swear, when my mood is good and things are working for me, it's like I forget that I'm not the way I'd like to be. Like I'll catch myself in the mirror and wonder who that guy is.

But now I've had a doctor, an actual medical professional tell me that I have to lose 50 pounds or my risk for stroke and/or heart disease will triple.

50 pounds.

It's a daunting number. It seems like an impossible task. It's a professional confirmation of the thing I'm sometimes able to forget or glaze over about myself.

I have no idea how I'm going to accomplish it.

I've been looking into detox diets. Cleanses. But right now with all that's going on I'm not so sure I trust myself when it comes to fasting. I doubt I could stick to it. And even if I did -- would I stick to a changed lifestyle? Am I not going to drink or eat emotionally?


Right now I'm angry. Alone. Unsure. I know there are things I need to do, but frankly right now I could give a fuck. I feel hideous, for more reasons than just bad habits or health concerns.

..50 pounds.



My Doctor's going to yell at me tomorrow.

Been eating at odd hours, drinking a lot, not really doing anything to balance it on the exercise side of things. Even if I come in with the best attitude and clothes that hang in a flattering way, the lab results will rat me out.

I fully imagine the doc looking at the numbers on the sheet for a minute, then turning to me and saying something like, "Sorry to hear about your relationship troubles."

I know I need to make changes, but all I feel like doing lately is blowing things up.

Mostly myself, it seems



My main workout thing right now is walking the dog. We actually do about 5 miles when we have the time. It's tough though, because on the weeks I have my son it's harder to find the time (about an hour or so) to get that in.

Still, it seems to be helping.

Blood pressure's way down too.



Aaand we're back.

Skipped the hypnotist, but downloaded a few apps for my phone to try to hit this from another angle. We'll see how counting calories and GPS tracking my jogs works this time around.

Because whatever I was doing last week clearly wasn't enough.



Walking the dog, eating more soup than anything else, a change in medication from the doc -- all seem to be doing more than I expected. We'll see if this holds up, I had wings and pizza while watching Sunday's games, and spent most of the day feeling blue for no good reason -- which usually sparks more eating and bad numbers, but it's still nice to see a little jump in the right direction.

ps - Heard the hypnotist ad again. Kinda considered it. smdh.



Weighed myself right after a long dog walk. Wonder if that had anything to do with this number.



Well, here's some progress..

The way I figure it, if I can keep this one pound a day rate going, I should hit my target weight in exactly 38 days.
Yeah, right.
In other wacky news I heard the hypnotist ad on the radio again -- and I have to admit I still can't shake the idea that if it were to somehow unbelievably work it would be the coolest thing ever.



Workouts haven't been terribly regular, but the diet is mostly changing. Careful control of portions and a dedicated effort to add bland-tasting ingredients to everything.
And as the number says, there's been an effect.
My blood pressure doesn't seem to be changing too much, but I'm so far convinced that will take a little more time to get on track.

I am proud of one thing though -- over the past few weeks I was hearing radio ads for a hypnotist who could radically help weight loss efforts. At first I was like "oh, this is bullshit." but then as the weeks went on and my frustration with all this was palpable -- the idea started to seem like it might be a lark, and if it worked and I lost some weight then it would be a bonus, right?

Next thing you know there was a few days where it seemed like an idea worth trying, then a short period where I was really looking forward to this as a solution to my problems, followed yesterday (thankfully) by a return to sanity where it again sounded like bullshit -- and now I'm sorta laughing at myself for even considering it.

I wish it would work. But thankfully I realize that there's just no way.
Which sorta sucks.



It's been forever since I've posted here -- mainly because it's been a while since I cared about losing weight enough to want to analyze my results (or lack thereof). Not that I was happy about the state my body was in, but that I was tired of the fight -- of the lack of progress, the work without results, the food I didn't like, and all the rest.

I still don't love working out all that much, and despite the fact that I made a killer salmon dinner for myself the other night -- the majority of the food I should be eating still isn't very appealing to me taste-wise, the simple fact is that a doctor looked me in the eye and said, "It's hypertension. Lose the weight and you'll be fine. Don't and you're headed down a much shorter road."

At the same time, I think once and for all I need to take control of a lot of things in my life that I've let sorta "go the way of the fates" for a long time. What I mean is, even though I've done diets and working out before, I always sort of knew it would be a struggle, that my body had reached a point where it wanted to be a certain way -- so if my efforts didn't pay off at least I tried, but I guess the fates wanted it this way.
Which is bullshit.
So I'm back at it. And I need the work. Back when I was fighting this every day -- the thought of 260 was horrifying. Now it's a nice surprise, since I'm down a few pounds from Friday.
But it's still not enough.
I want to lose like 30-40 pounds, which I've never been able to accomplish before.
I've been back in the gym the past two days, been walking the new puppy a few times a day, and am trying to watch the diet (*sigh*) ..again. I have a much more real motivation now, but it doesn't mean all this crap will actually start working now. It's just a matter of willpower, really. Of not hitting that wall and just shrugging my shoulders like some effort is better than nothing at all.

Honestly, I feel like my weight troubles are a big part so many of the things I have been in danger of losing lately. And that's not acceptable. Not at all. So this time I not only want it to work, but I need it to.
So lets do this.