255

This whole issue of losing all this weight all at once has been really stressing me out. Plus I still apparently don't really understand how this whole thing works -- because despite doing basically nothing for the last week or so AND going out last night for a couple of cocktails, a heaping plate of seafood paella, and conversations with a pretty girl I've somehow lost five pounds.

Seriously, what the hell?

260

I've always wanted to get my health back in range for personal reasons. To feel better. To keep up with my kid. To be more attractive to the opposite sex. To better match the self-image I carry with myself, and finally be rid of this dysmorphia that enables me to mentally feel like this:



Even though I look like this:



I swear, when my mood is good and things are working for me, it's like I forget that I'm not the way I'd like to be. Like I'll catch myself in the mirror and wonder who that guy is.

But now I've had a doctor, an actual medical professional tell me that I have to lose 50 pounds or my risk for stroke and/or heart disease will triple.

50 pounds.

It's a daunting number. It seems like an impossible task. It's a professional confirmation of the thing I'm sometimes able to forget or glaze over about myself.

I have no idea how I'm going to accomplish it.

I've been looking into detox diets. Cleanses. But right now with all that's going on I'm not so sure I trust myself when it comes to fasting. I doubt I could stick to it. And even if I did -- would I stick to a changed lifestyle? Am I not going to drink or eat emotionally?

Doubtful.

Right now I'm angry. Alone. Unsure. I know there are things I need to do, but frankly right now I could give a fuck. I feel hideous, for more reasons than just bad habits or health concerns.

..50 pounds.