256

Odd thought that's been bouncing around my head all morning:

If I paid for hair replacement on my bald spot, people would probably giggle and point behind my back.
But if I got liposuction done, I bet they'd all say "Good for you."

255

This particular number doesn't really tell the story, because more than just being on the bad side of my own weight spectrum lately, I just feel horrendously fat. It's different from those times where you reach a certain unfortunate comfort level with your size (whatever it may be), because lately I'm just more aware of it. Can't stop thinking about it.

As a result, I've been having some pretty crazy thoughts lately.

Colonics. Liposuction. Body Wraps. Something to kick start me off. Essentially the lottery tickets of the weight loss world.

But honestly, there's a point where it sounds like the only real answer.

To tell you the truth, I'm starting to feel like I'll never escape 250. Seriously, even if I can get dedicated with my workouts and curb my diet in a good direction, I feel like I'm forever doomed to be this size.

So why not just fork out huge money and have it sucked out? Why not get a 30 or 40-pound head start? Wouldn't my workouts be more effective if I wasn't fat to start with? Wouldn't I do better if I was without all this junk inside me?

Not that I could probably afford it anyways, but lately the question "How much would lipo really cost?" has really been bouncing around in my head.

Probably not a healthy train of thought to be on, but I'm on it nonetheless.

Have to see where this goes..

250

Trickery. Prestidigitation. Deception.

You know that feeling you get when you've been working out hard for a few weeks, really sweating and watching your meals and then you get on the scale and nothing's different?

I feel like I'm sort of the mirror-image of that. I've been ..off lately. Not working out. Eating a lot of take out, snacking late at night, skipping meals. So while the number on the scale is a relief of sorts, I know it's sort of a lie. Like in the next few weeks the effects of this recent bout of blues will manifest themselves.

The other problem I'm having is one of acceptance standards. 250 used to be a really bad number. 250 was a reason to get mad. Then I let things get a little out of control, and 250 became sort of a "I'm getting back on track" benchmark number. A water cup station in the middle of a long race, letting you know you're making progress -- but you've still got a ways to go.

Now 250 is sort of a good number. 250 is a relief.

Not a good thing. Gotta work on it.

250

Haven't been working out, and last night's dinner was mostly potato chips. The good news is that I'm down almost 10 pounds from where I was a few weeks ago after a particularly bad binge eating period, but because I'm essentially down to like 2 meals a day (complications resulting from having to pick my kid up from school early and then take him back to work with me, which is it's own mess that I'm probably gonna catch hell for pretty soon from my bosses), and I've been eating out/fast fooding it too much lately -- I'm sorta surprised at this number.

I'm down lately. Lonely, largely uninspired -- hitting this mess of fall blahs as my birthday unavoidable approaches and things off in the distance seem unsure for whatever reason.

I need to get focused, or even just find a spark of inspiration to get addicted to.

Just haven't been able to uncover it yet..

251

Earlier this week the scale threw a 257 at me. I was floored and saddened, but it was impossible to escape the fact that I've not been working out, not been careful about my eating, not really caring as much. Early on it was part of a vacation, a reconnection, a celebration of flavors and passion and connection and unity and all, and then days later it was mourning a greyhound bus pulling away and the once again end of that feeling.

And yet, from closing in on 240 to back pushing 260. It hurt.

I've worked back a bit since then, which this number thankfully attests to.

254

There are three things I've dedicated myself to doing in the next 6 months -- with hopes that this extra dedication will yield results and get me in the habit of not losing touch with any of them on a regular basis:

Write every day.
Perform at least one song a week on Guitar.
Work out and finally lose the weight.

So far I'm on good track with two of these, but seeing this morning's numbers on the scale -- and knowing exactly the kind of junk food and laziness that led directly to it happening means I've still got a lot of work to do.

250

For the last 10 days, I was on vacation. As such, junk food was a priority. Pizza, wings, booze, chinese food, and more.

As such, the fact that I'm somehow holding at 250 is a huge surprise.

I'm looking to get back on the horse this week (among other things) -- so hopefully progress will follow.

Fingers crossed, yo.

249

Busied myself with all sorts of other things this weekend, but still found/made time for short workouts. Want to hit the weight room this week. We'll see what happens.

250

Sporadic workouts. Life stress. Pizza. Life changes. Booze. Anger, hurt, loss. More booze. Eating angry. Workouts seem pointless when you feel like you're just sliding back into the place you've worked so hard to crawl back out of since you freed yourself from the people that held you down, held you back.

And yet, this morning I did 25 minutes with EA active. Makes no sense.

But then again, what really does?

251

Didn't work out over the weekend. Ate a lot of pizza. Personal drama, weekend ennui, and whatever made a bad cocktail. I have to figure out a way for exercise and eating right not to be the part of my day I have to struggle to make happen. It should be a part of my routine -- it just isn't yet.

249

Worked out twice yesterday. Once in the morning, then started EA Active's 30 day challenge last night. Legs are feeling it, but hopefully the results will follow.

251

Pulled off the rare trifecta -- missing lunch yesterday, going out all night, drinking a shitload of beer, wolfing down fast food somewhere around 11pm and then going to a few more places, drinking a whole bunch more beer and doing shots of some sort of Wild Turkey whiskey called "American Honey" -- followed by hard sleep, waking up rough, and then charging through a 30 minute full-body workout and then running off to work.

How I'm still awake and lucid at this point is a complete mystery.

But I put off working out for much longer than I should have all weekend, so the fact that I found a way (granted, an insane way) to get it in makes me feel a little better.

246

Haven't done a lot of working out this week, but I did attend a seriously awesome concert by Skindred at a tiny hole in the wall club here in Jacksonville earlier in the week.

It was almost identical to a really good workout, except that instead of an energy drink I had a bunch of whiskey, and instead of doing high reps on a weight machine I slamdanced and then bounced around for the better part of an hour while periodically singing along at the top of my lungs.

I came out of it drenched in sweat, popping with endorphins, and feeling it in every muscle.

Three times a week of that kind of action and I'd be set.

250

Purchased EA Active over the weekend -- their new "personal trainer" program. Gave it a try, and got a hell of a workout for 20 minutes. The interesting thing about it (so far) is that the exercises are largely the same sort of total body interval moves that the Turbulence Training guy who's book I read a while back.

I need to start the 30-day challenge feature, and the website has lots of pages to check out as well, but it gives me an at-home workout option I really didn't have before. The trick now (as always) is sticking with it.

245

I blinked when I saw this. Then I weighed myself a few more times to be sure. It's really not that big of a deal.. but it's a pretty big deal.

249

Been trying different things, edging towards re-establishing a gym regimen, and swimming when I can. But on the flip side, I've been missing meals and sometimes eating things I probably shouldn't.

The Yo continues to Yo.

246

This was a surprise. But there's not a 5 anywhere in it, so it's getting posted.

252

The thing I've discovered in terms of my own effort to lose weight that the one thing that seems to trump everything else is consistency.

If I find a way maybe not to eat the exact same thing every day but more specifically to eat the same number of meals around the same time with essentially the same makeup to them, my body has to react to the change and get the metabolism motor running and make things happen.

Once I fool my gut into thinking there isn't an entire pizza or a late-night run on ramen noodles coming, then it gets off it's lazy ass and starts burning stored up fat.

The past month with the changes that have put my son in my life 24/7 followed by the decree that coffee can no longer be had at your desk at work, followed by being sucked into this full time project last week where not only was I not at my desk at all, but lunches were provided free as long as they were purchased at the work cafe (which is essentially a short order grill) essentially threw almost all of the recent progress I've made out the window.

Or to put it another way -- The Philly Cheesesteaks were good to eat, but they weren't very good to me.

Plus, emotionally I'm kinda shot lately. Despite the fact that I have a constant companion now that my son is living with me, I'm terribly lonely. My center has been kinda blown apart, I don't feel like my life is mine to guide right now, and I'm seethingly angry at the adult who I feel is at fault. If that weren't enough, all of this change has been jarring -- but in such a way that makes me feel selfish and guilty for being angry about it. All of which are topics for another place, but essentially make great supporting arguments when either deciding to skip meals randomly or binge on whatever isn't nailed down the first chance you get.

Anyways, end result -- not in the gym. Not much into the salad fixings. Not much into regular meals, or portion control. Not surprised that the graph is going back the wrong way again.

248

I haven't been working out at all since the boy moved in. Perhaps if you can count Wii fitness, which shows my "fitness age" at 29 (pffft, I wish) I've been active, but seeing this number under 250 was honestly a surprise.

I was told recently that my scale "weighs heavy." That somehow it was reading 5-6 pounds heavier than one at a doctors office. I'm not sure what to make of that -- it's cheapo digital, so it can't really be calibrated -- but there's also a grand chance that the person who said all that didn't like their number and felt a need to fight back by calling my scale out.

Maybe I'll try to find another scale this weekend to compare with.

251

I've been eating badly lately. Last night I had a bunch of Chinese food, and during the week I've found it a lot easier just to order something at McDonald's with my son rather than watch him eat and wait until I get home.

I love having him with me, but I still haven't figured out the "getting into the gym while he's here" angle yet.

So consequently, my weight's gone back up.

I did get a Wii, which gets your heart pumping more than you'd think. Especially that boxing game, and the tennis. Not sure the Wii Fit is worth it, but it's strange to be tired after a game like that.

My PS2's a lazy girlfriend. This Wii chick, she wants to go jogging or some crap like that.

Anyways, I'm gonna try to sneak into the gym this weekend. We'll see how it goes.

249

Did some bad eating in the past few days, and with the life change of having my little boy now living with me full-time, getting into the gym has become kind of a trick. He can't really go in there with me, and even if I snuck him in -- I'm worried he'd mess around on the equipment and get hurt.

His mom had him for a short while Sunday, so I managed to get an hour in there -- but it's the first time I'd worked out in a week, so I'm honestly surprised this number isn't worse.

246

I probably shouldn't be posting so often, but I think I'm over-enamoured with my own progress right now. The scale is in super-nice mode, but it's hard to take it seriously when you still can't see your own junk.

247

Scales lie. But sometimes that's why we love them. I'm gonna try to cut down to weighing myself like twice a week, but this number seemed worth crowing about.

249

I know you're not supposed to weigh yourself every day, and that scales aren't always reliable. I know that between water weight and whatever I might have for lunch this number doesn't really mean all that much -- but it's the first time I've been under 250 in more than a year, so I'm pretty damn excited about it.

250

The yo-yo continues. Gym yesterday was only 30 minutes, but I went at it hard.

251

Went to the gym Sunday, actually even worked out this morning (in addition to plans to go to the gym tonight). Spent more than my usual amount on groceries that are actually good for me (which is the part I always sort of forget about, how much more healthy food costs than processed stuff).

Sticking with it, but we've all heard that before.

251

Starting to think I shouldn't weigh myself every day. It's a habit now, but recording things this often makes the wins seem bigger and the losses seem worse than they probably really are in the short term.

254

So it's gonna be like this, eh?

I do a solid hour in the gym. I eat according to my strict new schedule. I do all these things right and we're just gonna stay at 254.

Not cool, man. Not cool.

254

Lots of booze and then an after-drinking snack last night won a split decision over the salads I had for lunch and dinner.

252

The gym at my apartment complex is finally open again.

When I first moved to this place, I was more driven by price and a few certain features than anything else, but the fact that there was mention of a gym in the brochure certainly didn't hurt their pitch. The thing was, when I moved in the thing was sealed up tight and cordoned off with security tape.

Apparently there was a fire.

The official version is that there was a lightning strike, but it's hard not to imagine that some fatty snuck a George Foreman grill in there and things got out of hand.

Whatever the case it's back. And I'm going to take advantage.

253

Considering the weekend of drinking and New York street food that I'm coming off, the fact that this is only three pounds more than what I started with is kinda shocking. Hopefully I can get those back off soon.

250

Thats what it said. I weighed myself twice to be sure. 250!

252

Well, at least I'm still holding steady.

P.S.

You don't even know how badly I want to break 250. Especially being this close.

252

It's a little weird to see the numbers stay this consistent. Even when I was working out like a fiend there was still a little variation.

My big push this time has been getting medieval on my eating habits. All this week it's been packet of oatmeal for breakfast, some sort of salad for lunch, and something decent for dinner.

Been to the gym twice this week. Only missed yesterday because of little league.

I'm finding myself really hungry during the day, which is a problem -- but the results pretty much speak for themselves, so I need to stick with it.

252

Holding steady. Ate breakfast (oatmeal), salad for lunch, and a sensible dinner yesterday. Also spent an hour in the gym.

252

I don't know how the hell this happened, but I'll take it.

What else I'll take is a fresh start. Sure, sure, I know what you're saying -- another fresh start eh? How many is that -- 50 so far?

Honestly, I'm gonna talk to Monster and see if we can change the name of the site to Challenge of the Pudgy Fresh Starts. Seems like that would be more fitting.

Anyways, the fresh start. Hit the gym today for an hour. Not too impressive, a lot of rust to shake off. But I was there. Then I hit the grocery store for some needed stuff and ended up buying a bunch of vegetables.

I was shocked too.

I'm trying. I really am. I just hope something good comes of it this time.

258

A circus weekend, complete with cotton candy, quick meals with the boy and all that comes with it tacked 2 pounds back on me pretty quick. Hopefully we can get those back off soon.

256

Little surprised by the number this morning -- still on my sorta "doing very little" workout plan, which is to say nothing about the fact that I had fried chicken for dinner last night and a cinnamon roll for breakfast this morning.

The good news is that I'm taking my kid to see the circus tonight (his first), so whatever weight I was carrying in my wallet should be reduced greatly by the time that's all over *rimshot*

256

It's not like I've not been doing nothing, but I've not been doing much.

And it's ..working?

258

The scale says 258, but on the way to work this morning I bought an english muffin with butter for breakfast -- and almost as soon as I ate it I started feeling violently ill. Stay tuned, because the number could change very, very soon.

257

It doesn't sound like much, but it's close to 10 pounds less than I was a few days after Christmas. I'm not sure how much of this progress you can credit to me (haven't been to the gym that many times since then), but I'll take it.

2008: The Year in Review

It's all about point of view. In terms of being fat, staying fat, and getting fatter -- '08 fucking rocked. The starts, the stops, the restarts, the frustration, the anger, the malaise.. few stones were left unturned without later being eaten while simultaneously not being raised above my head repetitively in an effort to tone muscle or burn any amount of fat.

That being said, I did get in the ring with my weight and try to fight it off during the past 12 months.

..It's just that I lost horribly at it and ended up about 10-15 pounds heavier than when I first joined this blog several years back.

Here's the thing -- much like those "weight loss plateaus" that I've heard so much about but not really had much chance to experience -- I think there are equal and opposite levels of weight gain plateaus.

For example, there was a a long period where I was utterly unhappy with the way I couldn't really escape the 240's. Considering that I haven't seen anything close to 240 for a few years now makes this seem funny to me, but I clearly remember complaining about it.

At one point a few years later after training for few a few River Runs and I got into a 228 kind of groove where I was purchasing "Large" sized shirts instead of XL's, and occasionally having to look for smaller pants size -- but then after a series of personal and physical roller coasters, I've found myself living in the 260's, with occasional nods towards even higher numbers.

That being said, I'm on to 2009 with a new resolve and yet another new push, and what at one point was 265 has now been slinking back down towards the 250's, where I believe my real plateau at this point in time actually is.

I still eat badly, but I'm working on it. The new gimmick that I'm trying is adding/substituting turkey in places where beef and chicken previously ruled, and drinking more water during the day. I'm also back in the gym on a semi-regular (read: 3 times since the start of the new year so far) basis. If that weren't enough I'm also trying a new thermogenics regimen and researching certain supplements in the hope that they might help things along.

The interesting side effects to all this thus far is that I seem to be alternating between being pissed off for no apparent reason and ridiculously drowsy at inopportune times, which is to say nothing about how hungry I am late at night -- which is usually a prime snack hour for me that I've been resisting, which probably has more than a little to do with how pissed off I am in the mornings when all I have to look forward to each day is emptying my 1.5L bottle of Zephyrhills.

It's not all doom and gloom, I have lost about 5 pounds since the holiday binge season, but I know myself well enough to know I can get that back pretty damn easily if I put my mind to it.

And so it goes -- beating myself up as I charge into the new year feeling tired and pissed off and slightly lighter than I was a week or two ago. My gym membership finally ends sometime this year, which is OK because I now have free access to the gym at work and I could really use the extra scratch every month.

I do look back at using this blog as a positive, even though there were times when posting here was more depressing than helpful. So I'm gonna keep up with that/this -- but I wish there was a way to use it more proactively.

For example, I recently got a "these are yours I don't want them in my house anymore" care package from my ex-wife that included several pictures of a markedly thinner me that made me feel like crap, which might provide a useful compare/contrast tool here -- but will probably find it's way to my main blog instead just for it's value in terms of self-deferential humor rather than offer definitive proof of how much I've let myself go in the past few decades.

Still, the idea of adding photos or graphics is intriguing. We'll have to see where I can go with that. Suggestions are welcome, but no one reads this blog anyways so it's not like I'm expecting much.

Here's what I know. Any change that is going to happen will take a few months to kick in. Thus far it's also become clear that my frustration level with my weight loss peaks every few months regardless of my progress.

Basically, it's a race.

Tune in next month to see who's winning!