255

Got a letter from the doctor who told me to lose 50 pounds. I'm pretty much pretending I didn't get it -- because I've lost nowhere near that. I think if I can put him off a bit I might be able to get a little more progress in.

Last thing I need is that a-hole yelling at me again.

255

None of this makes any sense whatsoever.

I don't know if my altered eating habits are having an effect or if I just stood on the scale wrong this morning, but I'm suddenly losing weight like crazy.

Not that 255 is any sort of huge achievement, but just a week or so back I was like 267 -- so this is actually a great number to see staring back at me.

258

Well, this is certainly better than some of the numbers I've been seeing lately -- but it's still not really any sort of progress that's worth shouting about. This whole process is a huge headslap, and it just gets tiring after a while.

Things to do. Pounds to lose.

*sigh*

263

Who gains weight after a bought with food poisoning? Seriously, what the fuck?

257

Well that's just great.

Three days now of swimming laps. Nothing insane, just 4-5 high-intensity back and forths in the apartment pool, the result of which (thus far) has been a huge endorphin kick and my heart pounding from the full-body effort so much that recovery is as much effort as the work -- and now I'm reading that leading researchers pretty much agree that swimming doesn't do much of anything as a weight loss tool.

It's fun. It's kicking my ass, I feel great when I get out of the water -- yet it's doing nothing for me?

Not cool.

I'm not sure this news is going to make me stop. I really like the way I feel after this workout, and I don't see how a full-body exertion like this could be bad for me. Sure it might not give me washboard abs tomorrow, but it's the first thing I've wanted to stick to in a long time.

Friggin' scientists ruining my fun.

258

Haven't posted in a while. Things have been back and forth. But here's the important stuff:

• A doctor told me I had to lose 50 pounds or my risk of stroke or heart disease will triple.
• Then he said, "come see me again in 4 months"
• 50 pounds
• 4 Months

Honestly, when I first heard the number I thought he was joking. It's just a ridiculous thought. And that, coupled with some other problems got me eating. There was a 260-something I didn't post a week ago, because I was just ashamed and embarrassed about it.

But I've been back in the gym again lately, working on controlling my caloric intake, the whole nine yards all over again. But then yesterday I was running late to this and that -- and almost bailed on working out altogether -- when a realization hit me that I can't really understand why I hadn't thought of before..

There's a pool at my apartment.

I mean, I know it's there -- I've swam in it many times with my son. But never had I considered it an exercise option.

But last night, pressed for time and with the sun starting to set, I got in there and did a bunch of laps. I was heaving breath and my legs were tight when I got out, but I was also feeling charged and great.

Can I do that every day? Probably not -- but it's an exciting new option that I'm gonna keep up with for a while, especially while the weather's nice.

My weight doesn't seem to be changing that much, but my options are a little more open, and that can't be a bad thing -- you know?

255

This whole issue of losing all this weight all at once has been really stressing me out. Plus I still apparently don't really understand how this whole thing works -- because despite doing basically nothing for the last week or so AND going out last night for a couple of cocktails, a heaping plate of seafood paella, and conversations with a pretty girl I've somehow lost five pounds.

Seriously, what the hell?

260

I've always wanted to get my health back in range for personal reasons. To feel better. To keep up with my kid. To be more attractive to the opposite sex. To better match the self-image I carry with myself, and finally be rid of this dysmorphia that enables me to mentally feel like this:



Even though I look like this:



I swear, when my mood is good and things are working for me, it's like I forget that I'm not the way I'd like to be. Like I'll catch myself in the mirror and wonder who that guy is.

But now I've had a doctor, an actual medical professional tell me that I have to lose 50 pounds or my risk for stroke and/or heart disease will triple.

50 pounds.

It's a daunting number. It seems like an impossible task. It's a professional confirmation of the thing I'm sometimes able to forget or glaze over about myself.

I have no idea how I'm going to accomplish it.

I've been looking into detox diets. Cleanses. But right now with all that's going on I'm not so sure I trust myself when it comes to fasting. I doubt I could stick to it. And even if I did -- would I stick to a changed lifestyle? Am I not going to drink or eat emotionally?

Doubtful.

Right now I'm angry. Alone. Unsure. I know there are things I need to do, but frankly right now I could give a fuck. I feel hideous, for more reasons than just bad habits or health concerns.

..50 pounds.

259

My Doctor's going to yell at me tomorrow.

Been eating at odd hours, drinking a lot, not really doing anything to balance it on the exercise side of things. Even if I come in with the best attitude and clothes that hang in a flattering way, the lab results will rat me out.

I fully imagine the doc looking at the numbers on the sheet for a minute, then turning to me and saying something like, "Sorry to hear about your relationship troubles."

I know I need to make changes, but all I feel like doing lately is blowing things up.

Mostly myself, it seems

253

My main workout thing right now is walking the dog. We actually do about 5 miles when we have the time. It's tough though, because on the weeks I have my son it's harder to find the time (about an hour or so) to get that in.

Still, it seems to be helping.

Blood pressure's way down too.

260

Aaand we're back.

Skipped the hypnotist, but downloaded a few apps for my phone to try to hit this from another angle. We'll see how counting calories and GPS tracking my jogs works this time around.

Because whatever I was doing last week clearly wasn't enough.

253

Walking the dog, eating more soup than anything else, a change in medication from the doc -- all seem to be doing more than I expected. We'll see if this holds up, I had wings and pizza while watching Sunday's games, and spent most of the day feeling blue for no good reason -- which usually sparks more eating and bad numbers, but it's still nice to see a little jump in the right direction.

ps - Heard the hypnotist ad again. Kinda considered it. smdh.

253

Weighed myself right after a long dog walk. Wonder if that had anything to do with this number.

258

Well, here's some progress..

The way I figure it, if I can keep this one pound a day rate going, I should hit my target weight in exactly 38 days.

Yeah, right.

In other wacky news I heard the hypnotist ad on the radio again -- and I have to admit I still can't shake the idea that if it were to somehow unbelievably work it would be the coolest thing ever.

259

Workouts haven't been terribly regular, but the diet is mostly changing. Careful control of portions and a dedicated effort to add bland-tasting ingredients to everything.

And as the number says, there's been an effect.

My blood pressure doesn't seem to be changing too much, but I'm so far convinced that will take a little more time to get on track.

I am proud of one thing though -- over the past few weeks I was hearing radio ads for a hypnotist who could radically help weight loss efforts. At first I was like "oh, this is bullshit." but then as the weeks went on and my frustration with all this was palpable -- the idea started to seem like it might be a lark, and if it worked and I lost some weight then it would be a bonus, right?

Next thing you know there was a few days where it seemed like an idea worth trying, then a short period where I was really looking forward to this as a solution to my problems, followed yesterday (thankfully) by a return to sanity where it again sounded like bullshit -- and now I'm sorta laughing at myself for even considering it.

I wish it would work. But thankfully I realize that there's just no way.

Which sorta sucks.

260

It's been forever since I've posted here -- mainly because it's been a while since I cared about losing weight enough to want to analyze my results (or lack thereof). Not that I was happy about the state my body was in, but that I was tired of the fight -- of the lack of progress, the work without results, the food I didn't like, and all the rest.

I still don't love working out all that much, and despite the fact that I made a killer salmon dinner for myself the other night -- the majority of the food I should be eating still isn't very appealing to me taste-wise, the simple fact is that a doctor looked me in the eye and said, "It's hypertension. Lose the weight and you'll be fine. Don't and you're headed down a much shorter road."

At the same time, I think once and for all I need to take control of a lot of things in my life that I've let sorta "go the way of the fates" for a long time. What I mean is, even though I've done diets and working out before, I always sort of knew it would be a struggle, that my body had reached a point where it wanted to be a certain way -- so if my efforts didn't pay off at least I tried, but I guess the fates wanted it this way.

Which is bullshit.

So I'm back at it. And I need the work. Back when I was fighting this every day -- the thought of 260 was horrifying. Now it's a nice surprise, since I'm down a few pounds from Friday.

But it's still not enough.

I want to lose like 30-40 pounds, which I've never been able to accomplish before.

I've been back in the gym the past two days, been walking the new puppy a few times a day, and am trying to watch the diet (*sigh*) ..again. I have a much more real motivation now, but it doesn't mean all this crap will actually start working now. It's just a matter of willpower, really. Of not hitting that wall and just shrugging my shoulders like some effort is better than nothing at all.

Honestly, I feel like my weight troubles are a big part so many of the things I have been in danger of losing lately. And that's not acceptable. Not at all. So this time I not only want it to work, but I need it to.

So lets do this.

256

Odd thought that's been bouncing around my head all morning:

If I paid for hair replacement on my bald spot, people would probably giggle and point behind my back.
But if I got liposuction done, I bet they'd all say "Good for you."

255

This particular number doesn't really tell the story, because more than just being on the bad side of my own weight spectrum lately, I just feel horrendously fat. It's different from those times where you reach a certain unfortunate comfort level with your size (whatever it may be), because lately I'm just more aware of it. Can't stop thinking about it.

As a result, I've been having some pretty crazy thoughts lately.

Colonics. Liposuction. Body Wraps. Something to kick start me off. Essentially the lottery tickets of the weight loss world.

But honestly, there's a point where it sounds like the only real answer.

To tell you the truth, I'm starting to feel like I'll never escape 250. Seriously, even if I can get dedicated with my workouts and curb my diet in a good direction, I feel like I'm forever doomed to be this size.

So why not just fork out huge money and have it sucked out? Why not get a 30 or 40-pound head start? Wouldn't my workouts be more effective if I wasn't fat to start with? Wouldn't I do better if I was without all this junk inside me?

Not that I could probably afford it anyways, but lately the question "How much would lipo really cost?" has really been bouncing around in my head.

Probably not a healthy train of thought to be on, but I'm on it nonetheless.

Have to see where this goes..

250

Trickery. Prestidigitation. Deception.

You know that feeling you get when you've been working out hard for a few weeks, really sweating and watching your meals and then you get on the scale and nothing's different?

I feel like I'm sort of the mirror-image of that. I've been ..off lately. Not working out. Eating a lot of take out, snacking late at night, skipping meals. So while the number on the scale is a relief of sorts, I know it's sort of a lie. Like in the next few weeks the effects of this recent bout of blues will manifest themselves.

The other problem I'm having is one of acceptance standards. 250 used to be a really bad number. 250 was a reason to get mad. Then I let things get a little out of control, and 250 became sort of a "I'm getting back on track" benchmark number. A water cup station in the middle of a long race, letting you know you're making progress -- but you've still got a ways to go.

Now 250 is sort of a good number. 250 is a relief.

Not a good thing. Gotta work on it.

250

Haven't been working out, and last night's dinner was mostly potato chips. The good news is that I'm down almost 10 pounds from where I was a few weeks ago after a particularly bad binge eating period, but because I'm essentially down to like 2 meals a day (complications resulting from having to pick my kid up from school early and then take him back to work with me, which is it's own mess that I'm probably gonna catch hell for pretty soon from my bosses), and I've been eating out/fast fooding it too much lately -- I'm sorta surprised at this number.

I'm down lately. Lonely, largely uninspired -- hitting this mess of fall blahs as my birthday unavoidable approaches and things off in the distance seem unsure for whatever reason.

I need to get focused, or even just find a spark of inspiration to get addicted to.

Just haven't been able to uncover it yet..