251

Earlier this week the scale threw a 257 at me. I was floored and saddened, but it was impossible to escape the fact that I've not been working out, not been careful about my eating, not really caring as much. Early on it was part of a vacation, a reconnection, a celebration of flavors and passion and connection and unity and all, and then days later it was mourning a greyhound bus pulling away and the once again end of that feeling.

And yet, from closing in on 240 to back pushing 260. It hurt.

I've worked back a bit since then, which this number thankfully attests to.

254

There are three things I've dedicated myself to doing in the next 6 months -- with hopes that this extra dedication will yield results and get me in the habit of not losing touch with any of them on a regular basis:

Write every day.
Perform at least one song a week on Guitar.
Work out and finally lose the weight.

So far I'm on good track with two of these, but seeing this morning's numbers on the scale -- and knowing exactly the kind of junk food and laziness that led directly to it happening means I've still got a lot of work to do.

250

For the last 10 days, I was on vacation. As such, junk food was a priority. Pizza, wings, booze, chinese food, and more.

As such, the fact that I'm somehow holding at 250 is a huge surprise.

I'm looking to get back on the horse this week (among other things) -- so hopefully progress will follow.

Fingers crossed, yo.

249

Busied myself with all sorts of other things this weekend, but still found/made time for short workouts. Want to hit the weight room this week. We'll see what happens.

250

Sporadic workouts. Life stress. Pizza. Life changes. Booze. Anger, hurt, loss. More booze. Eating angry. Workouts seem pointless when you feel like you're just sliding back into the place you've worked so hard to crawl back out of since you freed yourself from the people that held you down, held you back.

And yet, this morning I did 25 minutes with EA active. Makes no sense.

But then again, what really does?

251

Didn't work out over the weekend. Ate a lot of pizza. Personal drama, weekend ennui, and whatever made a bad cocktail. I have to figure out a way for exercise and eating right not to be the part of my day I have to struggle to make happen. It should be a part of my routine -- it just isn't yet.

249

Worked out twice yesterday. Once in the morning, then started EA Active's 30 day challenge last night. Legs are feeling it, but hopefully the results will follow.

251

Pulled off the rare trifecta -- missing lunch yesterday, going out all night, drinking a shitload of beer, wolfing down fast food somewhere around 11pm and then going to a few more places, drinking a whole bunch more beer and doing shots of some sort of Wild Turkey whiskey called "American Honey" -- followed by hard sleep, waking up rough, and then charging through a 30 minute full-body workout and then running off to work.

How I'm still awake and lucid at this point is a complete mystery.

But I put off working out for much longer than I should have all weekend, so the fact that I found a way (granted, an insane way) to get it in makes me feel a little better.

246

Haven't done a lot of working out this week, but I did attend a seriously awesome concert by Skindred at a tiny hole in the wall club here in Jacksonville earlier in the week.

It was almost identical to a really good workout, except that instead of an energy drink I had a bunch of whiskey, and instead of doing high reps on a weight machine I slamdanced and then bounced around for the better part of an hour while periodically singing along at the top of my lungs.

I came out of it drenched in sweat, popping with endorphins, and feeling it in every muscle.

Three times a week of that kind of action and I'd be set.

250

Purchased EA Active over the weekend -- their new "personal trainer" program. Gave it a try, and got a hell of a workout for 20 minutes. The interesting thing about it (so far) is that the exercises are largely the same sort of total body interval moves that the Turbulence Training guy who's book I read a while back.

I need to start the 30-day challenge feature, and the website has lots of pages to check out as well, but it gives me an at-home workout option I really didn't have before. The trick now (as always) is sticking with it.

245

I blinked when I saw this. Then I weighed myself a few more times to be sure. It's really not that big of a deal.. but it's a pretty big deal.

249

Been trying different things, edging towards re-establishing a gym regimen, and swimming when I can. But on the flip side, I've been missing meals and sometimes eating things I probably shouldn't.

The Yo continues to Yo.

246

This was a surprise. But there's not a 5 anywhere in it, so it's getting posted.

252

The thing I've discovered in terms of my own effort to lose weight that the one thing that seems to trump everything else is consistency.

If I find a way maybe not to eat the exact same thing every day but more specifically to eat the same number of meals around the same time with essentially the same makeup to them, my body has to react to the change and get the metabolism motor running and make things happen.

Once I fool my gut into thinking there isn't an entire pizza or a late-night run on ramen noodles coming, then it gets off it's lazy ass and starts burning stored up fat.

The past month with the changes that have put my son in my life 24/7 followed by the decree that coffee can no longer be had at your desk at work, followed by being sucked into this full time project last week where not only was I not at my desk at all, but lunches were provided free as long as they were purchased at the work cafe (which is essentially a short order grill) essentially threw almost all of the recent progress I've made out the window.

Or to put it another way -- The Philly Cheesesteaks were good to eat, but they weren't very good to me.

Plus, emotionally I'm kinda shot lately. Despite the fact that I have a constant companion now that my son is living with me, I'm terribly lonely. My center has been kinda blown apart, I don't feel like my life is mine to guide right now, and I'm seethingly angry at the adult who I feel is at fault. If that weren't enough, all of this change has been jarring -- but in such a way that makes me feel selfish and guilty for being angry about it. All of which are topics for another place, but essentially make great supporting arguments when either deciding to skip meals randomly or binge on whatever isn't nailed down the first chance you get.

Anyways, end result -- not in the gym. Not much into the salad fixings. Not much into regular meals, or portion control. Not surprised that the graph is going back the wrong way again.

248

I haven't been working out at all since the boy moved in. Perhaps if you can count Wii fitness, which shows my "fitness age" at 29 (pffft, I wish) I've been active, but seeing this number under 250 was honestly a surprise.

I was told recently that my scale "weighs heavy." That somehow it was reading 5-6 pounds heavier than one at a doctors office. I'm not sure what to make of that -- it's cheapo digital, so it can't really be calibrated -- but there's also a grand chance that the person who said all that didn't like their number and felt a need to fight back by calling my scale out.

Maybe I'll try to find another scale this weekend to compare with.

251

I've been eating badly lately. Last night I had a bunch of Chinese food, and during the week I've found it a lot easier just to order something at McDonald's with my son rather than watch him eat and wait until I get home.

I love having him with me, but I still haven't figured out the "getting into the gym while he's here" angle yet.

So consequently, my weight's gone back up.

I did get a Wii, which gets your heart pumping more than you'd think. Especially that boxing game, and the tennis. Not sure the Wii Fit is worth it, but it's strange to be tired after a game like that.

My PS2's a lazy girlfriend. This Wii chick, she wants to go jogging or some crap like that.

Anyways, I'm gonna try to sneak into the gym this weekend. We'll see how it goes.

249

Did some bad eating in the past few days, and with the life change of having my little boy now living with me full-time, getting into the gym has become kind of a trick. He can't really go in there with me, and even if I snuck him in -- I'm worried he'd mess around on the equipment and get hurt.

His mom had him for a short while Sunday, so I managed to get an hour in there -- but it's the first time I'd worked out in a week, so I'm honestly surprised this number isn't worse.

246

I probably shouldn't be posting so often, but I think I'm over-enamoured with my own progress right now. The scale is in super-nice mode, but it's hard to take it seriously when you still can't see your own junk.

247

Scales lie. But sometimes that's why we love them. I'm gonna try to cut down to weighing myself like twice a week, but this number seemed worth crowing about.

249

I know you're not supposed to weigh yourself every day, and that scales aren't always reliable. I know that between water weight and whatever I might have for lunch this number doesn't really mean all that much -- but it's the first time I've been under 250 in more than a year, so I'm pretty damn excited about it.

250

The yo-yo continues. Gym yesterday was only 30 minutes, but I went at it hard.

251

Went to the gym Sunday, actually even worked out this morning (in addition to plans to go to the gym tonight). Spent more than my usual amount on groceries that are actually good for me (which is the part I always sort of forget about, how much more healthy food costs than processed stuff).

Sticking with it, but we've all heard that before.

251

Starting to think I shouldn't weigh myself every day. It's a habit now, but recording things this often makes the wins seem bigger and the losses seem worse than they probably really are in the short term.

254

So it's gonna be like this, eh?

I do a solid hour in the gym. I eat according to my strict new schedule. I do all these things right and we're just gonna stay at 254.

Not cool, man. Not cool.

254

Lots of booze and then an after-drinking snack last night won a split decision over the salads I had for lunch and dinner.

252

The gym at my apartment complex is finally open again.

When I first moved to this place, I was more driven by price and a few certain features than anything else, but the fact that there was mention of a gym in the brochure certainly didn't hurt their pitch. The thing was, when I moved in the thing was sealed up tight and cordoned off with security tape.

Apparently there was a fire.

The official version is that there was a lightning strike, but it's hard not to imagine that some fatty snuck a George Foreman grill in there and things got out of hand.

Whatever the case it's back. And I'm going to take advantage.

253

Considering the weekend of drinking and New York street food that I'm coming off, the fact that this is only three pounds more than what I started with is kinda shocking. Hopefully I can get those back off soon.

250

Thats what it said. I weighed myself twice to be sure. 250!

252

Well, at least I'm still holding steady.

P.S.

You don't even know how badly I want to break 250. Especially being this close.

252

It's a little weird to see the numbers stay this consistent. Even when I was working out like a fiend there was still a little variation.

My big push this time has been getting medieval on my eating habits. All this week it's been packet of oatmeal for breakfast, some sort of salad for lunch, and something decent for dinner.

Been to the gym twice this week. Only missed yesterday because of little league.

I'm finding myself really hungry during the day, which is a problem -- but the results pretty much speak for themselves, so I need to stick with it.

252

Holding steady. Ate breakfast (oatmeal), salad for lunch, and a sensible dinner yesterday. Also spent an hour in the gym.

252

I don't know how the hell this happened, but I'll take it.

What else I'll take is a fresh start. Sure, sure, I know what you're saying -- another fresh start eh? How many is that -- 50 so far?

Honestly, I'm gonna talk to Monster and see if we can change the name of the site to Challenge of the Pudgy Fresh Starts. Seems like that would be more fitting.

Anyways, the fresh start. Hit the gym today for an hour. Not too impressive, a lot of rust to shake off. But I was there. Then I hit the grocery store for some needed stuff and ended up buying a bunch of vegetables.

I was shocked too.

I'm trying. I really am. I just hope something good comes of it this time.

258

A circus weekend, complete with cotton candy, quick meals with the boy and all that comes with it tacked 2 pounds back on me pretty quick. Hopefully we can get those back off soon.

256

Little surprised by the number this morning -- still on my sorta "doing very little" workout plan, which is to say nothing about the fact that I had fried chicken for dinner last night and a cinnamon roll for breakfast this morning.

The good news is that I'm taking my kid to see the circus tonight (his first), so whatever weight I was carrying in my wallet should be reduced greatly by the time that's all over *rimshot*

256

It's not like I've not been doing nothing, but I've not been doing much.

And it's ..working?

258

The scale says 258, but on the way to work this morning I bought an english muffin with butter for breakfast -- and almost as soon as I ate it I started feeling violently ill. Stay tuned, because the number could change very, very soon.

257

It doesn't sound like much, but it's close to 10 pounds less than I was a few days after Christmas. I'm not sure how much of this progress you can credit to me (haven't been to the gym that many times since then), but I'll take it.

2008: The Year in Review

It's all about point of view. In terms of being fat, staying fat, and getting fatter -- '08 fucking rocked. The starts, the stops, the restarts, the frustration, the anger, the malaise.. few stones were left unturned without later being eaten while simultaneously not being raised above my head repetitively in an effort to tone muscle or burn any amount of fat.

That being said, I did get in the ring with my weight and try to fight it off during the past 12 months.

..It's just that I lost horribly at it and ended up about 10-15 pounds heavier than when I first joined this blog several years back.

Here's the thing -- much like those "weight loss plateaus" that I've heard so much about but not really had much chance to experience -- I think there are equal and opposite levels of weight gain plateaus.

For example, there was a a long period where I was utterly unhappy with the way I couldn't really escape the 240's. Considering that I haven't seen anything close to 240 for a few years now makes this seem funny to me, but I clearly remember complaining about it.

At one point a few years later after training for few a few River Runs and I got into a 228 kind of groove where I was purchasing "Large" sized shirts instead of XL's, and occasionally having to look for smaller pants size -- but then after a series of personal and physical roller coasters, I've found myself living in the 260's, with occasional nods towards even higher numbers.

That being said, I'm on to 2009 with a new resolve and yet another new push, and what at one point was 265 has now been slinking back down towards the 250's, where I believe my real plateau at this point in time actually is.

I still eat badly, but I'm working on it. The new gimmick that I'm trying is adding/substituting turkey in places where beef and chicken previously ruled, and drinking more water during the day. I'm also back in the gym on a semi-regular (read: 3 times since the start of the new year so far) basis. If that weren't enough I'm also trying a new thermogenics regimen and researching certain supplements in the hope that they might help things along.

The interesting side effects to all this thus far is that I seem to be alternating between being pissed off for no apparent reason and ridiculously drowsy at inopportune times, which is to say nothing about how hungry I am late at night -- which is usually a prime snack hour for me that I've been resisting, which probably has more than a little to do with how pissed off I am in the mornings when all I have to look forward to each day is emptying my 1.5L bottle of Zephyrhills.

It's not all doom and gloom, I have lost about 5 pounds since the holiday binge season, but I know myself well enough to know I can get that back pretty damn easily if I put my mind to it.

And so it goes -- beating myself up as I charge into the new year feeling tired and pissed off and slightly lighter than I was a week or two ago. My gym membership finally ends sometime this year, which is OK because I now have free access to the gym at work and I could really use the extra scratch every month.

I do look back at using this blog as a positive, even though there were times when posting here was more depressing than helpful. So I'm gonna keep up with that/this -- but I wish there was a way to use it more proactively.

For example, I recently got a "these are yours I don't want them in my house anymore" care package from my ex-wife that included several pictures of a markedly thinner me that made me feel like crap, which might provide a useful compare/contrast tool here -- but will probably find it's way to my main blog instead just for it's value in terms of self-deferential humor rather than offer definitive proof of how much I've let myself go in the past few decades.

Still, the idea of adding photos or graphics is intriguing. We'll have to see where I can go with that. Suggestions are welcome, but no one reads this blog anyways so it's not like I'm expecting much.

Here's what I know. Any change that is going to happen will take a few months to kick in. Thus far it's also become clear that my frustration level with my weight loss peaks every few months regardless of my progress.

Basically, it's a race.

Tune in next month to see who's winning!

263

Haven't updated this blog in a while.
Haven't been going to the gym.
Haven't been working out at home.
Haven't been really eating right.

258

Back at it after a couple of days of lethargy/laziness. It's a problem that's seeped into everything -- blogging, going out, doing the dishes. I just lost the edge for a few days there.

Burned a new part of P90X to DVD and tried it -- arms and back. Still a lot of pull-ups involved, which I still don't have any way to do, but it was a different sort of workout. I need to get the hang of it, but I kinda like it.

One thing though -- Arm Circles.

Every P90X warm up has arm circles in them. 4 sets, 2 varieties -- and they burn. I don't know if they do any good for any muscle set whatsoever, but they burn, and it sucks. They're just arm circles, right?

It's part of the reason I stick with P90X, despite the fact that the trainer is annoyingly smug and the workouts are largely built on equipment I don't have. Because despite all that -- it's pretty straightforward work. I feel like it might take me 3 years of sticking to this workout to get anywhere, but I will say that every time I do an hour of it, I feel it.

I'll probably do the arms and back thing again tonight. We'll see.

259

Something I was worried about came true last night. Thus far on my latest new push I've been doing exercises based off a mixture of two things -- P90X's chest and back workout video, and the Turbulence Training guys YouTube Channel. It gets my heart pumping, it works me hard -- it's a good thing.

But knowing I had to keep shifting it, I decided to dig deeper into the well and vary my workout a bit, focus on a different muscle group. The majority of the stuff I've done so far is upper body, and I was worried I'd overdo it or forget the rest. Last week I did a bunch of lower body stuff in the gym. I was rusty at it, but made it through.

Last night I moved on to the next P90X thing, which was called Ab Ripper X. 15 minutes of crunches and related moves.

I could barely do any of it.

Crunches always suck, but what surprised me when I tried it was how much the moves hurt my lower back. I couldn't focus on the crunch because it hurt just to sit or lie in the correct position.

I haven't figured out why this is - or what's wrong with my back (it doesn't hurt at other times), but I had to shift focus and decided instead do do a bunch of the Turbulence Training full body exercises instead.

The book should arrive soon. We'll see if it helps.

259

P90X again -- did the full hour this time, only skipped a few of the things I don't have the equipment to do (no pull up bar). Also discovered a 10-minute workout from the Turbulence Training guy that I can probably do in the mornings if I can get out of bed early enough.

259

P90X again -- chest and back exercises. The workout is an hour. I managed about 35 minutes.

262

Worked out lower body last night. Full hour in the gym.

No change.

262

Two nights ago I really pushed it. An hour straight with weights, pushups, the whole nine. Last night I was exhausted, possibly from staying up late and basking in Obamamania. So I took the night off. Half the things I read say a day off is a good thing.

The first time in three months that I've topped 260 argues otherwise.

260

Not surprised by the lack of change, I normally don't weigh in twice a day. However, felt I should post anyways.

Bad news is that my Turbulence Training book hasn't come in the mail yet.

Good news is it didn't deter me from getting back on the horse. I wanted to keep an eye on the election coverage, so I stayed home instead of going to the gym -- deciding to see if I could chase the P90X guy around instead.

The workout is an hour. It's like 15 exercises cycled twice. In other words, you warm up, do 15, rest, and then you go back through the 15 again. A bunch of the exercises required a pull-up bar, which I don't have -- so I substituted squats and stuff for those. I kinda kept up with it, probably doing about 65-70% of the workout. It's hard to keep up with the guy, and like I've said before, P90X is really for people who are sort of in shape already, not people like me who are trying to get back in shape.

Still, I went for it.

I haven't worked out in a while, and certainly not with that sort of intensity. Everything seemed twice as hard and hurt twice as much, but I made it through an hour of lower rep, modified, and substituted exercise. My heart rate is high, and I'm sweating hard.

I'm back, bitches.

260

Back in the gym tonight. Will be spending time today putting together a much more organized and directed workout. Lets hope it goes better this time.

258

Over the weekend I :

• Didn't work out
• Ate a bunch of Halloween candy
• Ordered some really good pizza
• Researched some exercises that I could do (while eating said pizza)
• bought two of these:

I probably paid too much for them (some of the bigger name fitness companies sell products similar to this that cost $400, which is just insane), but I'm banking that "new toy" syndrome might actually work in my favor here. I've also been investigating something called Turbulence Training, which sounds a lot like P90X, which means it's most likely bunk -- but the websites show detailed descriptions of exercises I can do.

The thought is to build a workout that I can do whether I go to the gym or not. I'm not sure if it will work, but just because I skip doesn't mean I shouldn't do anything.

I do like the way the guy behind the Turbulence Training thing talks, but that only counts for so much -- because when you're fat and looking for a shortcut every skinny dude with biceps seems like an expert.

This guy's spin is that cardio doesn't help -- especially if it's extended time and steady pace. What he's pushing is interval training (varying speeds/intensities) mixed with weightlifting and of course -- a food plan that I'll glance at hopefully yet surely never follow.

Tonight is boyscouts with my son, which means I'll get home too late to go to the gym -- but I should be able to do at least some of the things I've researched out with these weights and some of the interval training stuff I've seen online.

Compared to the nothing I've been doing lately, I'm hoping it is slightly more effective.

259

I haven't been to the gym in a week. I've just been frustrated to the point where even when I've had time to go (which hasn't always been the case) I've just been kinda bitter enough to just stay home and surf cable.

I have to find a better way.

And lets not discount the approach of Halloween -- the holiday where for years now I've scoped out the candy my son gets from trick or treating that he doesn't like, I offer to "help him" by taking it away, and then I eat it like a POW encountering his first cheeseburger in 10 years.

There was a point about a week and a half ago where I thought I was getting somewhere. Then for some reason I took a half a step back to examine it, and I realized I was bullshitting myself.

And here's the kicker. The ONLY way I can think of to fix this is to get back in the gym and get back into the swing of doing the same things that have accomplished nothing for me so far.

My belly is disgusting. I can't believe I walk around with this thing.

258

BMI is a scam. A big, fat fucking lie that only serves to pat skinny people on the back. I did some calculations based off my whole re-focus thing and realized that there was essentially no way I'd ever reach the right side of that scale short of lopping off one of my legs or suddenly growing 8 feet taller.

I was thinking about writing about it on the other site, because the fallout from all this realization was that I sorta blew off the gym all weekend. It's like I was dating someone and seeing them almost every day, and then they did something to piss me off, so I basically avoided them all weekend even though I had plenty of opportunities to see them.

Tonight's boy scouts with my son, which means I probably won't get home until like 9 or so - which means I'll probably skip it tonight too (like I have the past couple of weeks).

The worst part of the whole thing was that in looking to chart my progress and be more regimented about my workouts and stuff, I came across some older spreadsheets that I had started in the past for the same reasons -- which means that a) I'm just going in the same circles I've been going around for a while and b) if these old spreadsheets are right, I'm like 20 pounds heavier than I was when I first started trying to lose this weight last year.

So yeah, I got pissed and blew it all off this weekend.

Refocusalypse Now - 258

Been thinking a lot about my lack of progress, and my rising urge to throw my hands up and just go back to doing nothing and hoping it works better than all this crap I'm doing right now.

Part of the issue I think is that even though I'm mentally comitted, I am kinda haphazard. I really don't know what I'm doing half the time. I watch other people, I read online, I try to put together a plan, but when I get in there it's all sort of which machine is free and which type of weightlifting I didn't do the day before.

Not sure that's helping me.

So I hunted down this page that will hopefully give me a better idea.

Also, I'm starting to find information online that says cardio isn't good for steadily raising your metabolism (which is what I really need to do), but then there are half a dozen other sources that say weightlifting isn't really all that great for weight loss.

The guys I know who are cut swear weightlifting is the only way.
The women I know who are skinny only seem to do cardio or pilates.

And somewhere in the middle is me, two months into this with really nothing to show for it physically or on the scale.

There's got to be a way to turn this around.

Oh and by the way -- the internet is no help at all. I just spent half an hour looking for something called a "Printable Blank Weight Lifting Chart," only to find videos of people using them, pages that said they had one but then only turn out to be search engines themselves listing links to other pages that say they have one that still don't.

However, I did find one.

I don't know if it will totally help, but as much as this blog has been in it's own small way a motivating factor for me not to quit, it's not been very helpful in showing me any progress.

Open that link, go to the file menu and click "Save As. The chart is very basic, but at least it's compartmentalized in a way that makes a little sense.

btw, one of the main things that spreadsheet uses as a metric is something called BMI (body mass index).

I also found a website that can calculate that for you.

I'm not sure all this will do any good either way, but at least it's something to work for.

Gym tonight. Will be charting progress. Wish me luck.

257

Went to the gym late. Had to essentially bully myself into going. Been really discouraged lately.

256

Time management sometimes becomes an issue, especially when your workout is set for such a specific block of time. While I've finally found an hour where I'm normally free to do this stuff, the margin for error is actually pretty slim -- as this weekend proved.

Between having my son and just planning more things than I could easily juggle, it's been almost 4 days without a workout. And it's not like those 4 days were taco bell or egg mcmuffin free, either.

Plus, I'm catching a cold -- which always hampers any sort of motivation.

I'm not giving up, but there's a lot of obstacles to manage right now, and it's frustrating.

258

Had a chance to talk to Ralph last night at the bar, who is in fantastic shape. We were talking about my gym troubles and he basically confirmed some of my fears when he said, "I don't want to be mean, but if you've been at it for a couple of months and nothing is happening then you're probably doing something wrong."

He's offered some specific help. I'm gonna try to take him up on it.

255

Hour in the gym, kinda pushed it tonight so I could get home for the debates and the PR finale. Still broke a sweat, still worked it.

..Still the same weight.

255

Mondays are just too busy to go to the gym, but I managed a few sets of situps while I was catching up on tivo stuff, so I guess it wasn't a total wash.

Hit the gym tonight. Hour in -- 25 cardio, 35 working the weights.

259

I've been doing more weightlifting than cardio lately. Not tons of it or psycho amounts of weight, but when I'm in there I'm lifting more than I'm running.

And now my weight seems to be going up -- I hit a 260 over the weekend.

Hoping I can get in the company gym today. My key card needs to clear first, and someone in IT has been dragging their feet.

255

Back in the gym tonight. Solid hour. Still need to do more, but at least I haven't quit.

Good to see the monster back. He can be my wingman anytime.

When the Superfriends is Just Batman

Hex - that scale moment sucks. More power, brother.

No fanfare, but I shouldn't have left you alone here at the Hall of Pudgy Justice. Back in action.

I think I'm heavier than I've ever been. Moving stress, job stress, you know the drill. Still, it's not cool.

So I'm ratcheting up the exercise and trying to curb the junk food.

Today's project - grabbing a scale for the house and chain for the heavy bag.

258

Whenever I go into the gym I'll usually take a second to jump on their scale, just to see if it's waay out of wack with the one I have at home. Normally they're pretty close but you never know.

But last night when I got there a guy was ahead of me. Shorter by a couple of inches, with a much bigger belly. I mean, his shirt was riding up and I could (unwillingly) see the bottom of his belly when he jumped on the scale.

I also got a peek at his weight while waiting my turn --

Guy is like 30 pounds lighter than I am.

Kinda soured my mood for the workout. I have a big gut. I can sorta dress in a way that makes me look broad-shouldered and thick, but I'm not sloppy fat (not yet, at least) like this dude was. And yet here he stood, wheezing like goddamn Jabba the Hutt -- but still coming in well under my target weight.

I still put in an hour, and I'm not giving up. But that wasn't a fun moment.

255

Did go to the gym last night and put in close to an hour -- but it was haphazard at best. I pretty much had to talk myself into going. It's been like that lately. Probably not a good thing.

256

Haven't been to the gym in a few days. The weekends when I have my son are easy excuses not to go, because I'm never sure what to do with him while I'm there.

Finally got back in there tonight, put in a decent hour -- but even so, I've got to say this:

I'm really discouraged with my lack of progress lately. I feel like I'm not really getting anywhere. I have good days here and there, but most of the time I still feel the same way I did when I wasn't working out. I sorta need something to happen.

I know it's on me, and my eating habits and inconsistencies when it comes to working out don't help -- but give me a little something here. Help me feel like somethings happening at all.

Because it doesn't feel that way. Not at all.

256

Been slacking off a little. Whenever it's my weekend to spend with my son it's hard to manage -- because it's hard to take him to the gym with me, and we're usually busy enough for me to blow off exercising in lieu of playing. I don't think it's the worst trade off in the world, but it sometimes bleeds into the Monday after I have him, and that's worrisome.

In other news, I was finally able to get clearance to join the company gym (which as a permanent employee I am allowed to use 24/7 for FREE). I was expecting it to be pretty small, but was pleasantly surprised to find a lot of weight training equipment inside. I'll probably start going there Monday, once my ID card finishes processing.

256

Last night was one of the first nights where I walked into the gym focused on what I was gonna do instead of thinking to myself "Cool, I actually made it."

255

One of the reasons I can't get to the gym until somewhere after 8pm is because my ex-wife works late, leaving me to pick the boy up after school. I love spending time with him, but the later and later she stretches the time between getting off work and showing up to get him -- the later I'm able to get off to the gym (which unfortunately also gives me more time to make some excuse to skip out on it altogether). Not that I'm saying the times I decide to skip are her fault -- but that the whole situation doesn't help.

Neither does announcing that she lost 10 pounds in the last month, which she seems to be doing a lot lately.

I've been keeping track of my weight with this blog for how long now?
And how much total progress have I made?

..Congrats, whatever.

That sucked.

253

Got to the gym late, but still managed to put in an hour. I missed a couple of days, so everything burned a little more than it might have otherwise, and I might have done myself some good there -- but I'm feeling really lonely tonight and can't shake the suspicion that your cell phone hates me; so I'm probably gonna hit the bar and drown my sorrows in something fattening.

254

Remember that 2 miles I said I ran? Well I finally had a chance to measure and it was actually more like 5.

253

Been really going at it lately. Two straight days in the gym, and then last night I decided to run/walk 2 miles. I can't say I really aced it, but I did finish the track. I'll probably do some lifting today too, try to keep up the string.

255

Family business and other things left me at home thinking it was getting too late to work out at all, when I just up and decided to stop whining and just GO. Ended up doing a full-on 45 minutes in the gym. It sounds sorta screwy, but with the things I've got going in my world a gym visit from 8pm to 9 might just be the perfect fit. Have to see how it works out from here.

PS - Happy birthday to me.

256

Yesterday I was at the store pricing pull-up bars that I might be able to install in one of my doorways (pull-ups are a big part of my new plan to work on my arms and back), and I was starting to like what I was seeing in terms of price -- but then on the back of the box of the one I was leaning towards I saw a little note that said

"Not recommended for persons weighing more than 255 pounds."

253

Last night I did a lot of planning to work out. Didn't actually work out at all, but I did a lot of the prep work. Transferred video files from my computer to DVD, started laying out times, trying to figure out what I might need to buy, (I need dumbbells at least), but by the time all that was done it was almost 9, and I hadn't eaten much of anything all day. So by the time I figured out dinner I'd pretty much talked myself out of doing anything.

Somehow all that thinking took 4 pounds off me. So, you know -- woot.

257

Didn't work out at all this weekend. Went swimming with my son, but nothing resembling exercise actually happened. I'm in this weird place where despite the fact that I'm pretty convinced that it's not gonna work for me, I am considering working at least part of P90X into my regimen (which I say like I have one, even though I clearly don't).

But there's a simple problem -- I can't really do a pull up. Well, I could probably do one, but that's about it. P90X is all about pull-ups and stuff, which means I'm gonna have trouble with it.

Lets not lie. I want results, but I don't want the process.

253

Yo-yo. Yo-yo. Yo-yo.

257

Was gonna work out last night, but just never got there.

254

Did an hour in the gym yesterday, but after writing this earlier in the day, it's not really surprising to me that it was a really half-assed, unmotivated session. Also started working on a plan to get back to eating breakfast every day, which I'd kinda gotten away from. My whole eating regimen has got to change. It's almost reflex for me to work through lunch, because I've done it for years. But skipping breakfast too left my body wanting to hold on to everything in my gut, not to mention the fact that by the time dinner rolled around I could eat a horse every night.

254

Hour in the gym yesterday. Also went swimming in the pool. Had a killer steak for dinner, which probably didn't help -- but it was really good, so whatevs.

258

Does it help if I say that I just finished eating breakfast?
No, I didn't think so.

253

Full hour in the gym yesterday. Also started looking at my eating habits during the day -- and didn't really like what I found. Need to start drinking more water.

253

Bad morning. This is the only blog I can update without totally unloading on people. Also, I'm still fat.

251

Another right out of the shower weigh-in (the scale is in the bathroom). Do my clothes really weight that much?

254

I'm weighing myself before the football starts, because there's a slight chance I might be eating some really crappy food in the next few hours.

255

This seems to be the number I always come back to.

252

I don't understand these big jumps day to day. I know water weight varies, but 6 pounds? Really?

258

Haven't been to the gym in a few days. Feel like I'm going the wrong way with this.

260

My scale. My enormous ass. Disappointing.

265

I was able to weigh myself today, but it wasn't my scale.

257

Even though I put in a solid hour at the gym yesterday, I followed it up by a full night at the bar pounding shots and drinking waaaay too many "San Diego Summer Sodas" -- which is Michelob Ultra and Red Bull topped off with a lime. Danced a fool, stumbled home, and slept hard. I plan on hitting the gym again later today, and maybe even catching a swim if the weather holds out.

254

Lazy Saturday, mostly just screwed around doing nothing. Planning on going to the gym later -- but thought I'd get this out of the way first.

256

The first chance I've had to weigh myself today comes after getting home from having dinner with my son and his grandfather at a local Italian place. I'm so full of pasta and bread I'm flat out shocked this number isn't a hundred times higher.

253

Well, that theory was short lived. Been hitting the bar (the drinking one, not any of the ones at the gym) the past few nights, which surely isn't helping my cause.

248

Weighed myself when I got out of the shower this morning. Either that half an hour on the treadmill yesterday was exactly what the doctor ordered, or I have really heavy shoes.

254

Finally found my way back in the gym (again). Didn't go nuts, but broke a good sweat.

Our Records Show That You Are Still A Fatass

So I got an odd phone call today from my gym this morning -- wondering where I'd been.

A little back story here: The place I work has a really nice employee gym that everyone here raves about. Unfortunately, I'm a contracted employee -- which means due to insurance concerns I am not allowed to use it. I was on one of my annual pity-party health kicks at the time, and got sorta pissed about it until a friend turned me on to a sweetheart deal that one of the local gyms was offering.

I checked it out, liked what I heard, signed up -- and went gung ho for a while.

But then it fell off. I started making excuses, and kinda fell off the wagon. I haven't been there in months. The sweetheart price I got is because I signed a longer term deal, so the money still goes out every month -- which sucks, but every month serves as a reminder that I really do need to get back in there.

At the same time I'm not the only one out there who's ever gotten snaked in by a gym contract well after the point where they gave up on trying to get back in shape. Usually you have to consider it just part of the risk when you sign one of those contracts.

But to have them actually call and say, "Hey, we're still taking your money, but we would love to actually have your lard butt back in here once in a while so we can actually help you out." was an unexpected, and to be honest -- really nice surprise.

I really should get back in there one of these days.

Judgement Call

Ok, so I'm trying to get more into the swing of eating smaller meals more frequently during the day as part of my whole push here to lose the pounds. As much as I need to get more focused and disciplined on exercise -- it's my eating habits that are killing me at the end of the day.

Problem is, I'm still really frikking hungry at the end of the day.

Case in point -- Last night I was at Endo (which is once again trying the happy hour route) having a beer, and Security Guard Ralph (who's now a Bar Manager??) started doing something completely un-Endo

Putting small bowls of pretzels out on the bar.

Pretzels are fat-free, right? That means they're somewhat good (or at least not bad) for you in some sort of fuzzy math alternate universe way? Good -- because I went to TOWN on those mothers.

..Made him refill the bowl like 3 times.

10 oz. Espresso-Rubbed Char-Grilled Ribeye

Was soooooooooo good last night.

Probably a setback in the giant scheme of things -- but there was no way in hell I was gonna turn that baby down.

Early Returns

For a number of reasons (water weight, the clothes you're wearing, how old it is/how much it's used, whatever) scales aren't to be trusted -- but for posterity's sake, I felt I should mention that at the and of last week mine informed me that I was now clocking in ar 255.5 lbs.

Certainly not worthy of my own reality TV show, but hopefully signs that the changes I'm making as part of this new push/attempt to win the at-work challenge is off to a small but hopefully promising start.

..Onwards.

And It Begins

Had the weigh-in for the Fat-off today. I clocked in at 259, which was a pleasant surprise (I thought I was waaay past that), but it doesn't make the task at hand any easier.

Add to this a detail I wasn't clear on the first time -- which is that the winner of this whole thing will be the one who ends up with the highest percentage of weight lost in the next 30 days, not so much how many pounds each person loses.

The reason for this is that there are -- get this, two skinny guys involved. One dude weighs like 180 pounds and is in pretty good shape, and the other one is a total at-work gym rat. The percentage thing is in there to make it fair to them, but unless me and all the other fattys give up on this thing completely, I'm thinking there's no way these guys can compete.

Seriously, if I take my cell phone out of my pocket at the next weigh-in I figure I probably have those beanpoles beat. Kudos for the guy organizing the event for getting their money in the pot though..

Anyways, this is Day 1. Let's see how it goes.

Cash for Ass

Have you ever had one of those moments where you're glad to be thought of by someone, but you still kinda want to hit them?

A guy I worked with was asking about a project I was working on with him, and once we got all those questions answered he was like, "Hey, would you like to get in on this little bet me and some of the fellas have going?"

I shrugged and asked him what it was all about, and he said there were a bunch of dudes at the company who were doing a weight loss challenge -- Ante up $20 bucks, weigh in on a neutral site scale, and then at the end of the month whoever has lost the most takes all the money in the kitty.

Monster did something like this a while back (did we ever find out how you did with that?) so maybe he can offer some pointers, but for the time being -- perhaps the challenge of making some cabbage off the rest of these dudes can be just the type of motivation I need to get things rolling.

At the same time, I can't tell you just how nice a feeling it was to have someone come up to you and say,

"Hey, you're fat. Wanna play a game?"

Righty Right

New year and all that BS.

I want as few as 30 and as many as 60 pounds off in July.

Hex, all of your pitfalls are mine, too... and I could add some... but today's the first day and all of that.

I'll be checking back soon, you do the same, and we'll see what we see.